The last 3 weeks have been a pain in the a**.
Everything just doesnt work out. Until today it didnt bother me at all.
I was happy all the time. I was makin the best out of it and probably was still the happiest I ve been in a long long time and then today all of a sudden everything just crashes down on me, because I screwed up once again.

I had an appointment with a girl and I slept in. I used to be so responsible and then this is the 2nd time in like 2 months I ve slept in. Cant let that happen. People relying on me and then I m disappointing them. The bad part is probably not her being mad at me. Although I feel so sorry. So freakin sorry, I couldnt even think straight for like 2 hours. But the worse part is that I m soooo mad at myself and so dissapointed in myself.
And then last night I had a fight with my ex gf. I got soo mad and so dissapointed, becaue I thouhgt I knew her, but I guess I didnt. She was so naiv. To make sure, it was not just me. I told 2 of my friends about the whole thing, what we said and stuff and they got mad because she was being so naiv.
So I think it was really not my fault. And the thing is. You could not even talk to her, because she wouldnt listen and when I was willing to stop the whole discussion because it was not going anywhere she insisted on continuiing it. I dont know... just pissed me off..
I was gonna go visit her. Right now, I just dont know if I can anymore. Not just because of this one discussion. But she doesnt give me the feeling she really wants me there. Hard to explain, but we ve gone apart so fast, although the way we broke up, it was not bad at all. It was rather a break on time, not forever, but I guess it is forever after all

and then I failed both my tests. Will have to do them again in the end of october.

I injured myself at baseball a couple of times, nothing new, but this time its kind of serious and I should really see a doctor, but I just dont want to, because I m kind of afraid to have surgery or something, so I m just gonna play through the pain and hope its nothing bad, and then we have 10 really important games coming up and we need to win them and as a team captain and leader I have to freakin be there. And If I cant walk in 10 years, who cares, I need to live my life know. I dont even know if I will be alive in 10 years.
And then I screwed up one game on saturday already

what else happened?
oh yeah I got caught on the radar by the police twice. Had been caught once in like 6 years before then.

Why is just everything going wrong at once...

I think I m already annoying my friends with whinning. I need to stop.. I really need to, I just dont know who to turn to then to not go insane....

F**** .. I had life right now! I seriously do!
I ll be alright though! I ll be alright... I ll make up for all of it.. I ll win a couple of baseball games. Will pass my tests. Will make up to that girl and maybe find a new girlfriend to help me get over all this and to enjoy life again. Will drive more slowly to not be caught again, will set more alarms, like 5 or 6 ;-)
Will get a job today, hopefully..have an interview in like an hour
Maybe visit my sister in korea in sept
maybe get things settled with my ex gf.
Actually 2 of them....no i m not a player...I just feel like we never really said goodbye, it was more like a see you soon and I think now it would maybe better if it was a goodbye!

ok g2g and get ready for my interview.wish me luck

Awesome day today!!!!

I dont know just is...

I remember talkin to someone about what you would rather chose, being blind or deaf? I chose blind by far. Just experiencing once again why... I m listenting to music and I m just happy. Right now I have this feeling that is shaking my whole body, feeling so good.

by the way, she chose blind, because she would miss nature too much, can understand, but I ve seen it, so I feel like i can still imagine it. Seems so much harder with music.

Anyways, what else happened to day... Oh I chilled at a friends place last night, actually until like 2 am, came home to watch some baseball...then got a call by my one and only michelle ;-)
was nice talkin to her after a while. Still miss her a lot, although it seems like we re both slowly gettin over it, but I think we had a good talk a couple of days ago, which kind of saved our friendship. Probably gonna visit her in august.
Then I went to bed at like 9am. Woke up, went to kids practice, had fun there...pitched a couple of k´s against some 6-15 year olds...nothing to be proud of, but I pitched slow and its hard enough to find the strikezone against them.

After that I came home and since been downloading music, wathcing my fav team the orioles, ok they lost, but hey...nothings perfect ;-)

And now I m just listening to music...
Feelin so good =)

Talked to another friend of mine on the phone, was pretty nice too =)

ok...back to my music..

talk to you soon!

On wednesday one of my teammates father died. Yes my teammate is already 32 or 33, not quite sure, but it all went so fast. He was diagnosed with cancer maybe 3 weeks ago. I cant imagine how he feels, but I was really kind of shaken when I got an email from him...stating that it hurts so bad, because he never says thinks like that. It must have gotten really onto him. Hope he ll get over it soon and I ll have some more time, before I ll have to say goodbye to a really important person...happened way to often lately...

Good luck with everything Fabio!
We ll support you in every way...

Yesterday was the final morning of the semester. I took a walk at 5 am and this is one of the pictures I took. It was damn nice out. I ve been taking this sunrise walks pretty recently lately. I guess I will even more now that I dont even have class anymore.

Anyways, after that I took my final test and then I got the results for my tuesday test. I failed (49%)...f******
Well I guess I deserved it, because I didnt study at all. I just really lacked the motivation. It was so much worse than it normally is.

And then I went to practice in the afternoon. My foot is not that bad, so I guess I could play, but my knee hurts really bad, so I might have to see a doctor tomorrow, sucks. I hope there is nothing bad in there....Torn ACL or something, that would really suck, because that would put me under the knife....dont want to...

Ok, I guess I ll go for another morning walk today, with my bash bro kai...

Oh, a little side note...
sometimes...you are disappointed by people, who you thought , you were so much more important too than you actually are. Well I guess its all good! Just was hoping for a different reaction from one of my friends...

In 9 hours I will sit in a classroom with about 25 other people. I ll be staring at an indonesian test I ll have to pass. I started studying yesterday and right now I m at lection 13 out of 17, pretty good job, right? ;-)
Probably I ll fail anyways, but you know what, right now, I dont even care...
The problem is, I dont even know why.

I havent felt this lost in a while and yet I m not lost at all. Its not like I m sad or depressed or anything. I just feel lost, because when I wake up, there is nothing to do. There has always been something to do. Now, there is nothing...weird ej ;-)

I guess I ll use the time to travel around and maybe finally move out...
Knowing me... I will end up wasting the summer doing nothing... ;-)

anyways...back to studying...just another 9 hours ;-)

After a couple of weeks, not knowing what it is, I think today I finally figured out what has been bothering me and has caused my lack of motivation...

It is me not being needed anymore. Its a very uncommon feeling for me, because there were times, when I could tell up to 10 people that needed me around, right now the count is 0.
I dont know if I should be glad about it or should be sad.

The good thing is, this tells me my surroudings are all pretty happy and everything is going well and maybe I ve done a good job getting them to that point.
On the other hand. Maybe they never needed me or I ve done such a bad job that they dont rely on me anymore.

After all...I guess I should be happy and relieved, knowing that I cant do anything wrong right now and knowing that if I died today (not hoping I will) everyone around me would be alright =)
Thats really good. I m glad this is the case...

Its hard for me letting go of this responsibility though. Its a process, but maybe now is the time for me to change things up, to move on, because my job here seems done...

Meeeeeeeeppp....

Biggest lie ever...

oh do you remember the sentence...always pick the friends over the girl, because friends are for life, girls might just come and go...

I dont believe in that....
I m still in contact with most of the girls I ve dated or at least If we see each other we are friendly to each other and there is still the respect for each other.
Friendships...some I dont even wanna talk to anymore..and some just deeply disappointed me. And most of my friends i have to keep the friendship alive...is that even a friendship?
I guess not...f*** all that...

haha.. sorry ...just havin one of them days;-)

I m good though.. just thinkin about a couple of things..

"I dont need noone to tell me about heaven. I look at my daughter and I believe."

What about this...This is a quote from a good song (Live-Heaven).
This is not the point though. The point is people tellin me or others..The best feeling is to look at your kid and just be full of joy. I just cant imagine that right now... I wish I could...but the longer I live the longer I think I dont want a kid. I mean I actually really do. Sometimes I look at kids and just smile because they seem so happy, but then I see all the pain I ve gone through, all the worries and sorrows and I dont know if I want a kid going through this.
This world is sick nowadays (this doesnt have anything to do with the London explosions of today, because I think they are highly exaggerating - I mean of course its a bad thing, but how often has it happened before and noone really cared, how often does it happen in iraq and what do we hear about it)..

anyways...do you want your kid going through school,uni, work, all the teasing, mobbing, through all the injuries, divorces..dissapointed love...?

I was so sure I wanted a kid, now I dont know anymore, but well maybe I wont have a wife anyways so I shouldnt worry bout it yet ;-)

oh after a long time here is another quote....(maybe sis should read it) ;-)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. " Cruz - (Coach Carter)

Finally one got to me, after playing 10 years without a serious injury yesterday in practice I twisted my ankle really badly and my ankle is twice the size it normally is. They say its only bruised, but I m afraid somethings wrong with the tendon or maybe even broken??!

Well maybe I m lucky and then in the end its not a bad injury after all...

What else is new...nothing really... I ve been doin stuff around the house with only one leg. Kind of funny, but were exhausting too.

By the way, thanks to Thorben and Flo who are helping me out. And of course my fam ....

Bad thing about the injury...
Tilman got home today and I really really wanted to pick him up, but then of course never happened... I ll try to call him up later..

Concerning the girls.. I dunno.. being confused..

anyways... should really start to study today... only 5 more days...

g2g...

girls...argh....

sometimes they can be so annoying, childish, selfish, selfinflicted, ok, I guess its not a girls thing....but today it was just too much...

anyways...had a good weekend. suprisingly won against fulda, at least one game. went to wurzburg and had a fun day there all by myself..really enjoyed it, was exactly what i needed.

kind of getting scared by the fact that my tests are comin up next week and I havent done anything yet. Got a new laptop...yeah =)

ok, should go now...take care...

Hey ya...

Yesterday was fun. Partying it out with my two best friends for Kia Kais birthday! Ok, we didnt actually party and the other guy didnt arrive until 1 am, but you know.. there is things you have to be grateful for!

And then yesterday, skipped class again... damn it... I really need to get my focus back... but hey...that gave me some long needed rest =)
just to party it out at the volunteer farewell party.. was pretty fun I guess. Too bad most of us were there with there cars or otherwise they would have been drunk and it would have been even more fun...hehe..

Todays plan....
Baseball against Fulda... We always lose against them and we always do it in big fashion, I think our last 6 games were 1-15,2-20,1-16,0-20,0-20 and 3-15...so its always big losing.. They are the only team I never wanna play against, because we always get rocked...
Maybe today is gonna be a different day??! Who knows...

4 hours till gametime...

and then tonight, I ll probably go to the "Rhein in Flammen"...festival with fireworks... its awesome, I really wanna go... will find out if I can make it...
Julia is willing to go and so might Flo, so that would be fun I guess..

What am I writing here? Dunno, do I?

sometimes I wish I was more self-confident and egoistic and an "asshole"...You gotta be in this world to be succesful, I guess I m not ;)
I guess I m happy I m not in the end!?!

Sis comin home, meetin her boy tomorrow!? hopefully....

later
Rich