Never stop....

What is coincidence. What is determination, what is pure illusion or what is fate?

I keep askin myself what is my fate. I keep waiting for my task to come. I always wonder what it is and I feel like, maybe I m lying to myself and wanting to built an illusion so much, that I dont see my life anymore.

(listenting to james blunt - you re beautiful)
weird comment ej ;-P

Getting annoyed...yeah I can get annoyed, but I never show, yeah I can get mad, but if its not my fault I wont show. Actually if I dont want people to know, I never show my mood or anything at all.
Still waiting for that one person that can read my mind and look me in the eye and tell me whats wrong or not. I guess thats too much to ask for. I guess I cant even with anyone out there. Even if I tried. But I analyze people so much it sometimes freaks me out...LOL

Love of my life...hm...funny ej...
my best friend has switched girlfriends so much, no one was ever able to keep up with the names and now all of a sudden, he seems settled. I ve been hangin out with them for a bit. They seem so happy, everything just seems right..its so funny.. it gives me hope and joy.

It seems like I ve lost a really important person in my life and I dont even know, where she went. From one day to the next everything was just wrong...soooo wrong....and now its just not workin out anymore. wish she was still there with me somehow.

Oh man oh man,... this blog is so confusing, cause I m really confused....this is all for you jen...this is all for you ;-)

THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!!!!!
I dont like games......why do freakin girls always play games...

and why am i so emotional, that I do before I think. Why cant I be rational for once?
hm, you never know...maybe one day I will....

ok this is it for now, I guess
I might take a walk and watch the sunrise...this time without my sunrise buddy ;-P

Later everyone.....wondering who is ever reading this?

Reading someones mind.

I ve always considered myself being good at reading people, what they re thinking or how they feeling, but now I ve met this person who totally puzzles me, who I cant look into at all. I wonder why and I wonder if I ll ever be able to. I hope so.

...

Comin back to people in my life and how everyone has a special meaning for me, not just necessarily my gf. Its funny how I have a special name for some of them and how I want them to know me with a different name. And then I also use different language for all those groups. And they all see a totally different person in me. Sometimes I wonder if I m an actor. Sometimes I wonder if I m such a good actor that I cant even divide reality and illusion myself and I feel like I m an actor all the time, makin me think, things are different then they actually are, but I guess in the end they are not.

I ve also learned to cherish nature. God, I cant even express how much that means to me. Sometimes I can just see a sunset and feel like the happiest person in the whole wide world. Man life is good after all, is it not? Yeah it is, damn good =)

I ve good everything I need. and thats all I can ask for.

Yeah, its almost been a month and how much life can change in the blink of a moment. So now I got a job, which is better payed then my old one. I have a new gf...some might say again... I know it seems like I have a new one all the time. But its not like that, its not as easy.
Everyone I ve had(only 3) have had a really special meaning to me and have changed my life in one way or another. They are part of me and they will always be, because of them I am the person I am today. They might not know, but I still think of all of them all the time.
Sometimes I wonder, how can someone not, because I m thinkin of so many things that have happend in my life all the time. Bad or good.
The last couple of days, I ve been goin out with a lot of friends and different people, have caught up with a lot of people too. ITs funny to see how many people there are out there that I talk to once in a while, who mean a lot to me, but I still cant manage to stay in contact with and then everytime I catch up with them, I have like a flashback of the good old times and wish they were a bigger part of my life again.

Then there are people I talk to so much, almost every day and then when I dont talk to them, I dont miss it that much. Some of them are really good friends, at least thats what I think sometimes and then in the end I think there is only one really loyal guy out there and I m afraid we movin in different directions, which is really bothering me. What is wrong with me? I ll be there for you bro, anytime.

Comin back to what I did the last couple of days.. one day I figured I ve been spendin all this time with all those people and then again I dont know anyhting about them, so I figured I should ask some deeper questions. What they want to achieve before they die. Where they see themselves in 10 years. The very special moment of their lives. It kind of threw me off, when some of them couldnt answer these questions. Are they seriously not thinkin about stuff like this? About their future, their past, or their most special moments.
Then I also asked them if they regret something they ve done. And that probably stunned me even more. Because most of them didnt regret anything. I felt bad, because I regret so many things I ve done in the past and I just wish I could change it and then I cant.

...to be continued...