People I in some way feel responsible for..

Michelle,Mom,dad,sister,kai,flo,pasquale,eva,nina,my thai teacher,andre,max,donna,juliaP,the kids team, the smaller kids team, the whole baseball club, Tilman, Alex,Celine,mike,eriko,janita,york,hendrik, Sonny, Betty, JuliaK, all the handicapped and social outcasts and some other people I cant recall right now!
Some of them more, some of them less....

Why am I even listing them? Dont really know, just felt like doin it.
Should finally go to bed 4:15 am, but not sleepy at all! I dont even know how I m gonna get up?!?

If you know me really well, then you know I m the guy wearing T-shirts on the coldest day of the year and Jackets on the hottest day.

I seem to be able to accustomate (is that the word) to temperatures, because I feel like I can control my mind and make it think its not cold or warm, but there are moments when I am really freeezing although its warm outside. Right now its one of those moments. Just who will make it go away! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!
I know how I could make it go away, but I m not willing to go the easy way!
Lets hope I will one day find the person that can read my mind! I m afraid I m not there, but maybe I will soon!? Hopefully!

I cant sleep no more, have to get up in 3 hours and have a tough game ahead of me tomorrow!
Havent slept that well the last couple of days either. Strange...

Do you know the feeling when you just dont wanna sleep, because you are scared to miss the one thing, that might make a difference in your life.

READ MY MIND! ;-P
I never say what I mean. Read between the lines! I love metaphors.

This is the new "simple plan - Welcome to my life" song

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding"

Today, I found my idol in words!

I read this text and thought oh my god, that is what I m thinkin all the time. That is what I wanna do with my life!!!!!

So here are some quotes....

"I went to the woods, because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and to see if I could not learn what I had to teach, and not, when I came to die, to discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live whats not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and such out all the marrow of life, to live sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swathe and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it, whether it is of the Devil or of God, and have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the chief end of man here to glorify God and enjoy him for ever"

"We were occupied with pursuits, which were at the best needless and at the worst humiliating. Because we spent more time at buisness than anything else."

"Why should they begin digging their graves as soon as they are born? They have got to live a man´s life, pushing all the things before them and get on as well as they can."

"It is not a man´s duty, as a matter of course, to devote himself to the eradication of any, even the most enormous wrong; he may still properly have other concerns to engage him; but it is at least his duty, to wash has hands of it."

"The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my soul to be bad!"

Have you figured out, who the person is???

Hint...american...
No clue yet????

graduated from harvard...
no idea?

spent a day in prison....
no?

Inspired Mahatma Ghandi.. Ghandi actually took his book around with him on his travels...
still no idea?

another hint, he started his literature career as a poet, but was not succesful at all...
still no clue??

Close frind of R.W. Emerson and a Transcendentalist himself...
ok I ll tell you...

Henry Thoreau!

Two more quotes...

"The majority of I"
"Always promising to pay, promising to pay tomorrow and dying today"

So, after a week I thought it was about time to blog. But nothin new really.

Had a good start to the season 14-8..

I had 2 2B´s and 3 RBI´s, but also 2 Errors und 2 K´s, but well, its the start of the season.
We unfortunately lost the second game 1-16.

Besides that, Julia, my friend got back home from cali.

I m gonna meet up with 2 friends from university this week and besides that.. hm... nothin much....

oh, i didnt get into one of my classes, but its not that important, so I m moving around my schedulde and hope I can get into all my other classes.

a lot of friends are in trouble lately. I m tryin to help them, but I dont know if I am able to. Just hope I am, because I want everyone out there to be happy =)

thats it for today....

So I finally really started writing my termpaper. On page 6, last night before I have to hand it in tomorrow. So I hope thinks will work out.

Other news.. I was elected to be in the "frontoffice" of my baseball club. Even more work there...

ok I need to get back to my termpaper. Its 2240pm...so its gettin late...

more news tomorrow

Things that I suffer under....

1.Life sucks!
2.Body hurting really bad without even moving
3.Pain inside even hurting worse!
4.Feeling worthless!
5.Wasting precious given time!
6.Not being able to change it!
7.Not using my given talents!
8.Feeling like breaking down and crying 24/7
9.Crying in public!
10.Having a sad lonely birthday!
11.No presents...haha ;-)
12.waking up everyday and realizing its just another bad day
13.going to bed and being afraid to wake up the next morning, so not wanting to sleep
14.Being afraid of having surgery and having to live life in a wheelchair
15.Losing best friends
16.Losing trust in a very important person
17.Being uncertain about a relationship, that is probably not going anywhere
18.Wishing someone would hear me calling out their name
19.Working harder than anyone else and not getting there (baseball) - feeling like just starting to play
20.Trying to consol people and feeling like they feel even worse
21.Missing people and not being able to talk to them
22.Having to let go of things
23.Knowing what will happen later in life
24.Hating myself
25.Hating myself even more than that
26.Deeds I have done in the past and just cant forget
27.Having sleeping problems
28.Being insecure
29.Not being confident with my life
30.Not being confident with what I have achieved
31.Regretting things the very second I m doing them
32.Not being able to tell anyone how I m really feeling
33.Having a bad concious to tell anyone, because they could worry bout me
34.Having hurt people
35.Having used people
36.Being selective
37.Making fun of people
38.Being a sensitive guy
39.Having cheated on my girlfriend..worst thing ever...
40.Falling in love
41.Telling secrets, which should be kept inside of me
42.Screwing up in every aspect of life
43.My stupid bodymalfunction that will make me gain weight
44.Not being well educated
45.My arrogance and selfishness
46.Having thought about comitting suicide
47.Being a bad friend
48.Being a messy person somtimes
49.Being a whiner and complaining right here
50.Hating myself even more than I could ever express

so have I done this.. I will be mad at myself for writing this in less than 24 hours....

And probably it sound worse than it is, because I m pretty settled lately...
So anyone who is reading this. Dont worry! I m good =)
I m enjoying my life! Seriously, its just one of them days ;-)

Used to be my lucky number
Used to be my jersey number
Used to be the age I wanted to be

Now 24 is my age!

Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!

Thats it for now..more later in the day ;-P

Today is April 11th and my classes will start in less than 5 hours! On to the next semester! Hopefully only 3 more to go!
Its a sunny day, so good time to start it off!

I can totally see how I m growing up, all my friends are spread out all over the world, even the ones that used to be living in my neighbourhood. California,Spain,Hungary,Nicaragua...
Its sad to see them go! But most of them will come back eventually I guess, but you never know.



"You think a man can change his destiny?" -Katzumoto
"I believe a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed." Algren (Last Samurai)

This is a song that is desribing pretty much how I feel a lot of the time....

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

CHORUS:
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

CHORUS

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...

CHORUS - repeat twice

More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life

ok..another thing....
I think it s funny, how I can be totally acting and noone sees that I m cryin inside, although I m smiling and then how noone sees that I m feelin awesome although I have the saddest look on my face. Dont get me wrong, sometimes I just act the way I am, but I have to be strong a lot of the time for other people, so I cant let them see how I feel, because they would worry and I dont want anyone in this world to worry bout me! I m good, you know! I m good! And I will always be! I m here for a reason, I m definately here for a reason!

1.another day without getting in a fight =)
2.had a fun 6 hour practice with the team
3.shoulder didnt hurt that much (still have to see a doctor though)
4.after starting off slow, got in the groove
5.home town hockey team forced decicive semifinal game
6.watched last samurai...awesome movie, i think especially for asian people to watch
7.mom got home save and had a fun weekend...really happy for her =)

So I just started to work on my termpaper like 80 minutes ago.
And I already feel like a bad person! I saw pictures of a phillipine ghetto and although I know that it is like that in some parts of the world I always try to not think about it. I just try to hide it from my view and then once in a while it comes back to me and I feel like I should do somethin about it. Thats why I might move to a developing country to work there after I m done with university. The people dont have anything there.

Still, I think they have so much more than we do in a modern country. Not everyone of them, but some. They have the thing a lot of us luck. They have the eternal love. They care for each other as a family, they are close together. A lot of them probably still enjoy their life more than some of us do!

This is one of the reasons why I would have wanted to live like 400 years ago, where everything was still developing, no technology. It was the essentials of life that counted! You had to work to live and not study, to achieve good grades for a job with which you will earn money to buy yourself stuff to survive. There was no chain. You got what you worked for. I really wish I could live in a world like that, where I have a goal, which I can work on!

And what makes me mad nowadays is the terrorism and its consequences. The political leaders say they care for the poor, damn they dont give a s*** , they use the poverty as a instrument to support their military actions and to strengthen their political power.

There is another thing that makes me really sad! None of my friends seems to be talking to me about stuff like that although I really would want to. My life is such a waste of energy. Instead of changing something. I go clubbing and spent the day with small talk. I waste money on stuff like cruising around in my car, where I could make a difference for people with the money i spent for my gas or for the entrance fee in a club. My friends just dont seem so interested in topics like that. Sometimes I really wonder if one day I will be able to and my friends will be like me and I ll find someone to talk about things like that. My worries, my fears, my ambitions, my dreams.
I wish people would talk to me about things like politics and then again I feel like I dont know anything about politics. Sometimes I do and sometimes I dont. I think I ve given up in politics to a certain level.
Do my friends not care. Am I more mature than them or does it just not come up!?



I know I should stop whinning and complaining and do something about it. I m just afraid I m not strong enough! Maybe I should join an organization just like my sister did and do something about it.
Probably she doesnt even know, but I really admire her for the work she puts in and all the effort she makes and she makes changes. She has changed so many lives. I really admire her for that and I hope she knows!

I hope one day, I will be able to look back at my life and be able to say. This was worth it. I made a difference in this world! I improved it and even if its for a small group only, maybe just one person! I want to be able to say, my life has not been a waste. I did something and was not selfish!


Maybe for me this is true :

"You cant help someone if you are not content with yourself"

ok, this was the most confusing blog ever, sorry about that.. just had to write down my brainstorming after reading all those articles about misery and poverty and the evil in this world!

Why is anyone ever evil including myself. Why?!

So today I got a phone call from a good friend! She told me my blog sounds so depressing and she told me I should be more positive. So today I will try to be positive!

Things that worked out today!

Beautiful weather!
Got birthday wishes from 2 people, although my birthday is still a couple of days away!
Had the day off, because practice got pulled back one day!
Still felt like I could chill and not do my termpaper!
Gonna start my termpaper now! Finally ! Yay!
Got a message from my gf, who is on vacation right now!
Played a fun board game with my sister and dad!
Didnt get into a fight with anyone!
Counceled some people!
Talked to a couple of friends online, was fun!

I guess that was it!?
But that seems like a lot of good things, right ;-)

Ok, have a fun weekend everyone!

"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when the stick together." Vista M. Kelly

What else is going on in the world today!? Trying to keep myself busy! Might go to a baseball meeting in 2 hours and then probably watch our hockey team´s final game of the season if they lose and they gonna lose the way they ve been playing lately....

Sister´s gone, dad´s at the game, mom is travellin around with her friend from NY...
Crazy cleanup session ended this morning at 1030 am..... I hate pretenders and this cleanup session is all about pretending that is why I totally didnt join it... You are the way you are ..fullstop....

but I guess my fam is different in that way and that is why this has been long gone ....... :

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? That idea of home is gone. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place" - (Garden State)

Should keep going with my termpaper, but dont feel the heat yet, so feel like I have plenty of time, although I dont.
Anyways....
how fitting for my mood, I found my sad times CD yesterday, its covering the following songs :

Tamia - Who do you tell
Switchfoot - You
Maxwell - Woman´s Work
Divine - Sweet Essence
Amanda Perez - Angel
Isyss - Single for the rest of my life
Martina Sorbara - Bonnie & Clyde
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
TLC - Dear Lie
Sovory - Deeper than blood
J-Luv - Weil Du mich liebst
Glashaus - Wenn das liebe ist
Big Runga - Sway
Ruff Endz - Will you be mine
Avant - Don´t say no
Leann rimes - Life goes on

Haha maybe its not that sad anymore. But I felt really depressed the last time I heard it like 2 years ago... Still kind of sad...
And I like most of the lyrics as well!

another song

Jack Johnson´s better together :


There is no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing
It's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together (mmm)

I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together

I m at this point in my life, where everything is changing, I thought it would take a little longer, but it all came to fast!

I quit my job today, after 5 years, because I dont have the time to work during the day anymore, so I ll have to find a night time job!

Then I might have to retire from active baseball, because my body wont let me go and play hard day in, day out anymore. Gosh I m not even 24 yet and I have so much pain... totally have to see the doctor soon. Its really hard for me to stop playin, because baseball was the one thing I was kind of good at and It was #1 on my priority list all the time. Probably more than 50% of my life too, so its hard letting go....

I ll have to let go of a couple of friends, because they have been lying to me and I dont trust them anymore. Hard to do that too, because they ve been picking me up, when I was down, but thats life.

So much change goin on, its hard to handle. Everyday life is just not the same anymore.
The last couple of days I ve been confronted with my past a lot as well. Met up with my exgf. Talked to a girl I used to love and she loved me too, strange because we never hooked up. I watched a movie involving my other exgf. Also talked to another girl I hooked up with. One thing that I realized is that I will never be able to totally let go of them. Everysingle one of them still owns a big place in my heart. Thats kind of hard, because it hurts and I d much rather let go of all those memories, but yeah thats life ;-)

Oh and dont get me wrong, I m not a player, these are the girls (besides my current gf) that have been part of my life, not really many more than that. And I still cant let go. I m afraid once I open up my heart to a person, the person will always be there. So that makes me being afraid of opening up my heart too much and I m really scared of that right now... dont want to be in more thoughts....

ok enough insight on my mental state.

What else happened the last couple of days?! We had a basball tournament and finished 3rd out of 4, but that totally doesnt reflect the way we played, because we had a good tournament, won 2 games and lost 2, but played pretty well and we are lookin forward to the start of the season april 16th..
and next week my b-day is comin up, nothin special..but yeah, i ll be 24 then....

what else happened? nothin much I guess!
I m still on break and trying to start with my term paper, hope I ll finally be able to today or tomorrow!

"...see, you're a better person than I am and it made me a better person to be around you. I don't know, maybe it was all just a dream. Maybe I woke up one lonely night in December and imagined it all. But I swear, nothing has ever felt more real. And if you get on that plane, I'll disappear forever. And I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd be fine. But I have seen what we could be like forever, and I choose us!" - Jack (Family Man)

"Hey Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according
To plan?
Do you think I’m wasting
My time doing things I
Wanna do?
But it hurts when you
Disapprove all along


And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good
Enough for you
I can’t pretend that
I’m alright
And you can’t change me


‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect


I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be
My hero?
All the days
You spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t
Care anymore


And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good
Enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’ alright


‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect


Nothing’s gonna change
The things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this
Right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand"

This is just a quote from a song I really like....