How small are we in this powerful world?
How much of a difference do we still make with every action of our life!!!

3 days to go!

Studying for my test and still in the middle of the night I can keep myself busy with other things. Its so weird, what you can do, so you dont have to do things you should!

It made me stay up until like 9 am the last 4 days. crazy....
Really cant wait for this tests to be over, then I ll go back to workin for the catering... i think thats kind of fun.
i dont know, why i wanna go back to workin, how can you actually want to work?! crazy...

i guess thats my life right now...
CRAZY...

The funny thing is.. I really live in this moment! I do, which is kind of scary..
To not think so much about the past or the future. To not worry bout things that happened before....

haha ok, i should go back to studying...

take it easy..

Back in germany and everything is still the same old...

cant focus on studying...wondering why?
Haha, guess what... girls...what did you think.. they are killin me.
wish they werent out there....
honestly i ve been seriously considering if I might be gay after all.
Still think I m not, but I m serioulsy considering it. wait and see.

what else did I learn from my last visit to korea?

Definately have to study more korean, so I can talk to my relatives. I really want to.

I am too old inside.
I want to start my "real life" now. I feel ready. It feels right. Now all I have to do is get myself a job and a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Haha am I kiddin myself, thats like the two most important decisions of my whole life. But honestly, I m willing to face them now. I guess I have to finish my studies. And I have to find THE right girl. I m sick and tired of searchin for the girl I want to marry. I have a really nice gf, but she is not ready yet and I m sooooo ready to start life. One I was thinkin about a lot just disappeared today. Funny ej?
All the people around me still seem so young and still seem to want to wait for their life to start. Even though they are so much older than me. 25,26,28....wonder why that is so.
I guess its just being me and being sick of tryin things. I m here and I m here NOW...
Ok, I guess I m repeating things as always. Will never stop doing so.

This very special feeling right now made me think about one of my ex gf. I guess still being with her, would bring me pretty close to this "final" state of life, but I guess, that would not have been right thing.

Oh yeah, I still have to study a lot, only made it to chapter 3 so far. Still 15 chapters to go, that brings it down to 3 per day. hope I ll manage like 6 or 7 today though. Its about time. I m pretty confident though =)

Oh almost forgot. Something I read last night brought up memories. I read a friend of mine a poem I wrote like 5 or 6 years ago. Brought back some memories. I would put it on my blog, but its in german so noone would understand. Its really personal and it puts my inside into words, never ever realized. Haha I wrote it in front of my class once and no one ever understood...so funny...

I fooled another friend of mine the last couple of weeks, funny. I can fool everyone. Sometimes I m scared. I wish I couldnt. It would keep me from doing stupid things. Sorry for fooling you! Will try to behave from now on. I guess its a talent. Maybe I should have become an actor. Maybe I should still.
And I also think, my hints arent strong enough!?

Lately I ve been thinkin about visiting a therapist too. Would it be of any sense do? I ve been feeling so much better and I feel like I ve finally kind of figured out why I am like I am and what I want in life. I guess, it wouldnt help.

I guess, I just have to find this one person to "complete me".
So cheezy..I guess thats how I am...

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah" - Avril Lavigne (Nobodys home)

Back in korea, back to where it all started in 2002, back to all the memories, all those moments I shared. I remember how insecure I was, when I last was hear, this has all changed. My whole life has changed so much. I wonder why? Its really crazy...

anyways..back to the NOW....

I havent really seen anything of korea so far. Ever since I got here monday I ve been sleeping, helping my sister with her final thesis or I dont know. Well actually I met Mike at coex...funny. I thing he hasnt changed the much. same old, same old. crazy.....

I m still wondering, about what all the people are doing in germany right now. its 10 pm there and they are about to go out, which means its 5 am here. haha

Tomorrow I m gonna see Seoul...At least thats the plan. Dongdaemun, namdaemun, myongdong, coex....
I guess we ll end up not seeing that much, because we gonna meet more family and my sister wants to go to some kind of bakery fair....funny sister...

I hope I ll get somethin... I still need to bring some presents...aaaaaahhh

Ok i better get off this computer and get some more sleep, but I was awaken by a mosquito who bite me two times, once on the forehead,doh...haha

ok, probably goin back to germany monday and then have to study hardcore for one week...man only one week...thats gonna be tight...

take care

Do you know that feeling, when you are awaiting a response on something important and you cant wait for the final notification. You keep checking your emails and jump up everytime the phone rings or someones at the door. You even dream about getting the answer. You are such a nervous wreck...

Cant wait till thats finally over... Even if its a bad answer.. I dont mind anymore....Its been killin me for the past 48 hours...

Life will be alright soon...

oh btw.. met a korean tandem partner yesterday. She seems nice and it was pretty fun. I hope it will give me some korean back, combined with my trip to korea! Awesome =)

How one word can change so much!

I just thought about this very subject for a while. Its crazy, how one word can change a perception, a mood, a life or even the whole world.

What power words do have is kind of scary.


haha, by this post you see how boring my life is

Oh btw, if you misunderstood.
I m still together with my gf and I dont regret at all dating my ex gfs. I really enjoyed the time with them. I seriously did.

Anyways,
today is another day. I drank a little last night. Which is a once in half a year occasion for me and I dont even know why I did it.
Funny....

JUMPING TO :

How often do you feel guilty on a single day. How often do you have a bad concious, because you did or you didnt do something you should or shouldnt have done. You feel selfish, egoistic and a bad character. You hate yourself and you want to change your life, your actions, but you just cant do it. Responisbility is good, because that gives you the ability to change things in life, but then if you dont use it, are you wasting your chance to change life? Maybe one day I ll look back and say this life was worth living, right now, I m not there at all, not at all....
I just hope I will one day.....