Back in germany and everything is still the same old...

cant focus on studying...wondering why?
Haha, guess what... girls...what did you think.. they are killin me.
wish they werent out there....
honestly i ve been seriously considering if I might be gay after all.
Still think I m not, but I m serioulsy considering it. wait and see.

what else did I learn from my last visit to korea?

Definately have to study more korean, so I can talk to my relatives. I really want to.

I am too old inside.
I want to start my "real life" now. I feel ready. It feels right. Now all I have to do is get myself a job and a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Haha am I kiddin myself, thats like the two most important decisions of my whole life. But honestly, I m willing to face them now. I guess I have to finish my studies. And I have to find THE right girl. I m sick and tired of searchin for the girl I want to marry. I have a really nice gf, but she is not ready yet and I m sooooo ready to start life. One I was thinkin about a lot just disappeared today. Funny ej?
All the people around me still seem so young and still seem to want to wait for their life to start. Even though they are so much older than me. 25,26,28....wonder why that is so.
I guess its just being me and being sick of tryin things. I m here and I m here NOW...
Ok, I guess I m repeating things as always. Will never stop doing so.

This very special feeling right now made me think about one of my ex gf. I guess still being with her, would bring me pretty close to this "final" state of life, but I guess, that would not have been right thing.

Oh yeah, I still have to study a lot, only made it to chapter 3 so far. Still 15 chapters to go, that brings it down to 3 per day. hope I ll manage like 6 or 7 today though. Its about time. I m pretty confident though =)

Oh almost forgot. Something I read last night brought up memories. I read a friend of mine a poem I wrote like 5 or 6 years ago. Brought back some memories. I would put it on my blog, but its in german so noone would understand. Its really personal and it puts my inside into words, never ever realized. Haha I wrote it in front of my class once and no one ever understood...so funny...

I fooled another friend of mine the last couple of weeks, funny. I can fool everyone. Sometimes I m scared. I wish I couldnt. It would keep me from doing stupid things. Sorry for fooling you! Will try to behave from now on. I guess its a talent. Maybe I should have become an actor. Maybe I should still.
And I also think, my hints arent strong enough!?

Lately I ve been thinkin about visiting a therapist too. Would it be of any sense do? I ve been feeling so much better and I feel like I ve finally kind of figured out why I am like I am and what I want in life. I guess, it wouldnt help.

I guess, I just have to find this one person to "complete me".
So cheezy..I guess thats how I am...

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah" - Avril Lavigne (Nobodys home)