How come I always blog on the bad days.

I guess everytime I have an off day I get depressed because I have the time to think about stuff and then I get annoyed and no one is there to distract me. Well soon thats gonna be over. Uni starts on tuesday.....

Kind of sad about...3 people that forgot my birthday, thats ok though.
Friends that seem to not care
couple of other things... dont feel like writing about it here though.

Anyways baseball season started, we won both games 13-0 and 18-4, so seems like its gonna be a good season.
I m not gonna be a volunteer at the World Cup because I got a different job offer from the catering service, gonna be something like a supervisor. Wonder how thats gonna be!

Sister got a gf...yeah

2 best friends are dating...hm good or bad...will find out...
and a couple of friends finding bf/gf...... =)

besides? dont really know... ok i will get of this for now....

maybe write more later or maybe more recently

So what is new?

goin to Halifax in Sept.
Stayin with my old baseball club.
have to catch up in uni... 5 week countdown
world cup volunteer =)
catering going fine i guess
finally been single for almost 2 months...not even realizing
dating? ..hm i have not been really dating either
friends? where are they?
family..same old...only that my mom recently started trying to control my life...gosh i m soon to be 25.

things on my mind right now... a girl, who i just cant get out of my head. maybe because she is puzzlin me, maybe because she is challenging me, maybe because she is confusing me..

i dont know...all i know is that after i meet her, i always think about what she said or what we talked about for quite some time....weeeeeeeeiiirrrd....

ok i guess thats the news....

I ll talk to all of you later...

So what is new?

goin to Halifax in Sept.
Stayin with my old baseball club.
have to catch up in uni... 5 week countdown
world cup volunteer =)
catering going fine i guess
finally been single for almost 2 months...not even realizing
dating? ..hm i have not been really dating either
friends? where are they?
family..same old...only that my mom recently started trying to control my life...gosh i m soon to be 25.

things on my mind right now... a girl, who i just cant get out of my head. maybe because she is puzzlin me, maybe because she is challenging me, maybe because she is confusing me..

i dont know...all i know is that after i meet her, i always think about what she said or what we talked about for quite some time....weeeeeeeeiiirrrd....

ok i guess thats the news....

I ll talk to all of you later...

So this is it.... I think I m stuck here for now. The interview didnt go that well at all or did it? I dont know... I thought it sucked.

ahh...screw it...

baseball sucks..

uni sucks... just cant learn that freakin indonesian...

man...today everything is pissin me off one again...

there ll be better days ahead.... I just hope I ll make it to Halifax! I really need to go there!!! I really need to...

class in an hour, work in 4 hours....what can I say... life is hard..LOL
j/K

Preparing for my interview and my admiration for Robert Frost keeps growing and growing....

Here are some quotes :

Robert Frost´s description of a poem : " It starts with delight and ends in wisdom"

A poem begins with a lump in the throat; a home-sickness or a love-sickness. It is a reaching-out toward expression; an effort to find fulfillment. A complete poem is one where an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found the words.

All poetry is a reproduction of the tones of actual speech.

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

and one of his first poems :

Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto th eedge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him the knew--
Only more sure of all I though was true.


ok now back to working.....
family is about to be in the same continent for the first time in monts next week....

and I still have to work hard for school....so much stuff to do, just wantint to finish my book "The 5 people you meet in heaven"...

So, its been a while since i blogged, but I really didnt find much time to do anything, not even sleep.

Just got back from canada today.
Did some nice shopping, although nothing for me really. First time in a long while that I didnt really buy anything for me. Ok, I bought a couple of books, but no clothing or anything.

What else is new in my life?
I broke up with my gf today. Again..yes again, 3 break ups in one year, ok one was on january 1st, but still. I hope I ll be single for some time now.

I will finally hand in my application for Halifax and Trenton tomorrow. I hope I ll get a scholarship. That would be so awesome. That would really give me a push, a big big push, but somehow I m afraid its not happening.....

What else, oh yeah...I ll have a coaching training lecture. A lot of time is gonna go down with that.
But if I pass in the end its totally worth it.

Oh I also got the confirmation for volunteering for the World Cup 2006...yiha....
The groups are selected on December 9th. I got tickets for all the korea games, wonder where they gonna be playin...

A lot of Hw for me comin up and a lot of workin as a waiter (hopefully!?) I really wanna earn some money, although I probably wouldnt have to.

Then again I ll have to catch up with people over the next couple of days. I was gonna visit my friends in Hamburg, but probably wont have time for that. And then I was gonna meet some other friends, have to call them...

So as you can see, very stressful life right now.

Mom and sister comin back within the next 2 weeks as well.

Also having to prepare oral presentations and like 5 term papers. When am I gonna do all this? Especially because I wanna visit Michelle in February. I really really wanna see her again, although I m kind of scared that its gonna be really akward, but I guess we ll find out once it happens....

Ok, I think I should get some sleep now...

More to follow soon

How small are we in this powerful world?
How much of a difference do we still make with every action of our life!!!

3 days to go!

Studying for my test and still in the middle of the night I can keep myself busy with other things. Its so weird, what you can do, so you dont have to do things you should!

It made me stay up until like 9 am the last 4 days. crazy....
Really cant wait for this tests to be over, then I ll go back to workin for the catering... i think thats kind of fun.
i dont know, why i wanna go back to workin, how can you actually want to work?! crazy...

i guess thats my life right now...
CRAZY...

The funny thing is.. I really live in this moment! I do, which is kind of scary..
To not think so much about the past or the future. To not worry bout things that happened before....

haha ok, i should go back to studying...

take it easy..

Back in germany and everything is still the same old...

cant focus on studying...wondering why?
Haha, guess what... girls...what did you think.. they are killin me.
wish they werent out there....
honestly i ve been seriously considering if I might be gay after all.
Still think I m not, but I m serioulsy considering it. wait and see.

what else did I learn from my last visit to korea?

Definately have to study more korean, so I can talk to my relatives. I really want to.

I am too old inside.
I want to start my "real life" now. I feel ready. It feels right. Now all I have to do is get myself a job and a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Haha am I kiddin myself, thats like the two most important decisions of my whole life. But honestly, I m willing to face them now. I guess I have to finish my studies. And I have to find THE right girl. I m sick and tired of searchin for the girl I want to marry. I have a really nice gf, but she is not ready yet and I m sooooo ready to start life. One I was thinkin about a lot just disappeared today. Funny ej?
All the people around me still seem so young and still seem to want to wait for their life to start. Even though they are so much older than me. 25,26,28....wonder why that is so.
I guess its just being me and being sick of tryin things. I m here and I m here NOW...
Ok, I guess I m repeating things as always. Will never stop doing so.

This very special feeling right now made me think about one of my ex gf. I guess still being with her, would bring me pretty close to this "final" state of life, but I guess, that would not have been right thing.

Oh yeah, I still have to study a lot, only made it to chapter 3 so far. Still 15 chapters to go, that brings it down to 3 per day. hope I ll manage like 6 or 7 today though. Its about time. I m pretty confident though =)

Oh almost forgot. Something I read last night brought up memories. I read a friend of mine a poem I wrote like 5 or 6 years ago. Brought back some memories. I would put it on my blog, but its in german so noone would understand. Its really personal and it puts my inside into words, never ever realized. Haha I wrote it in front of my class once and no one ever understood...so funny...

I fooled another friend of mine the last couple of weeks, funny. I can fool everyone. Sometimes I m scared. I wish I couldnt. It would keep me from doing stupid things. Sorry for fooling you! Will try to behave from now on. I guess its a talent. Maybe I should have become an actor. Maybe I should still.
And I also think, my hints arent strong enough!?

Lately I ve been thinkin about visiting a therapist too. Would it be of any sense do? I ve been feeling so much better and I feel like I ve finally kind of figured out why I am like I am and what I want in life. I guess, it wouldnt help.

I guess, I just have to find this one person to "complete me".
So cheezy..I guess thats how I am...

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah" - Avril Lavigne (Nobodys home)

Back in korea, back to where it all started in 2002, back to all the memories, all those moments I shared. I remember how insecure I was, when I last was hear, this has all changed. My whole life has changed so much. I wonder why? Its really crazy...

anyways..back to the NOW....

I havent really seen anything of korea so far. Ever since I got here monday I ve been sleeping, helping my sister with her final thesis or I dont know. Well actually I met Mike at coex...funny. I thing he hasnt changed the much. same old, same old. crazy.....

I m still wondering, about what all the people are doing in germany right now. its 10 pm there and they are about to go out, which means its 5 am here. haha

Tomorrow I m gonna see Seoul...At least thats the plan. Dongdaemun, namdaemun, myongdong, coex....
I guess we ll end up not seeing that much, because we gonna meet more family and my sister wants to go to some kind of bakery fair....funny sister...

I hope I ll get somethin... I still need to bring some presents...aaaaaahhh

Ok i better get off this computer and get some more sleep, but I was awaken by a mosquito who bite me two times, once on the forehead,doh...haha

ok, probably goin back to germany monday and then have to study hardcore for one week...man only one week...thats gonna be tight...

take care