Leave an impression!

Even longer

2006-04-14T18:05:00.000+02:00

How come I always blog on the bad days.

I guess everytime I have an off day I get depressed because I have the time to think about stuff and then I get annoyed and no one is there to distract me. Well soon thats gonna be over. Uni starts on tuesday.....

Kind of sad about...3 people that forgot my birthday, thats ok though.
Friends that seem to not care
couple of other things... dont feel like writing about it here though.

Anyways baseball season started, we won both games 13-0 and 18-4, so seems like its gonna be a good season.
I m not gonna be a volunteer at the World Cup because I got a different job offer from the catering service, gonna be something like a supervisor. Wonder how thats gonna be!

Sister got a gf...yeah

2 best friends are dating...hm good or bad...will find out...
and a couple of friends finding bf/gf...... =)

besides? dont really know... ok i will get of this for now....

maybe write more later or maybe more recently

Wow, its been damn long

2006-01-04T07:41:00.001+01:00

So what is new?

goin to Halifax in Sept.
Stayin with my old baseball club.
have to catch up in uni... 5 week countdown
world cup volunteer =)
catering going fine i guess
finally been single for almost 2 months...not even realizing
dating? ..hm i have not been really dating either
friends? where are they?
family..same old...only that my mom recently started trying to control my life...gosh i m soon to be 25.

things on my mind right now... a girl, who i just cant get out of my head. maybe because she is puzzlin me, maybe because she is challenging me, maybe because she is confusing me..

i dont know...all i know is that after i meet her, i always think about what she said or what we talked about for quite some time....weeeeeeeeiiirrrd....

ok i guess thats the news....

I ll talk to all of you later...

Wow, its been damn long

2006-01-04T07:41:00.000+01:00

1. Interview done...long road ahead

2005-11-23T13:21:00.000+01:00

So this is it.... I think I m stuck here for now. The interview didnt go that well at all or did it? I dont know... I thought it sucked.

ahh...screw it...

baseball sucks..

uni sucks... just cant learn that freakin indonesian...

man...today everything is pissin me off one again...

there ll be better days ahead.... I just hope I ll make it to Halifax! I really need to go there!!! I really need to...

class in an hour, work in 4 hours....what can I say... life is hard..LOL
j/K

Robert Frost

2005-11-20T17:16:00.000+01:00

Preparing for my interview and my admiration for Robert Frost keeps growing and growing....

Here are some quotes :

Robert Frost´s description of a poem : " It starts with delight and ends in wisdom"

A poem begins with a lump in the throat; a home-sickness or a love-sickness. It is a reaching-out toward expression; an effort to find fulfillment. A complete poem is one where an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found the words.

All poetry is a reproduction of the tones of actual speech.

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

and one of his first poems :

Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto th eedge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him the knew--
Only more sure of all I though was true.

ok now back to working.....
family is about to be in the same continent for the first time in monts next week....

and I still have to work hard for school....so much stuff to do, just wantint to finish my book "The 5 people you meet in heaven"...

buzzing

2005-11-15T03:14:00.000+01:00

So, its been a while since i blogged, but I really didnt find much time to do anything, not even sleep.

Just got back from canada today.
Did some nice shopping, although nothing for me really. First time in a long while that I didnt really buy anything for me. Ok, I bought a couple of books, but no clothing or anything.

What else is new in my life?
I broke up with my gf today. Again..yes again, 3 break ups in one year, ok one was on january 1st, but still. I hope I ll be single for some time now.

I will finally hand in my application for Halifax and Trenton tomorrow. I hope I ll get a scholarship. That would be so awesome. That would really give me a push, a big big push, but somehow I m afraid its not happening.....

What else, oh yeah...I ll have a coaching training lecture. A lot of time is gonna go down with that.
But if I pass in the end its totally worth it.

Oh I also got the confirmation for volunteering for the World Cup 2006...yiha....
The groups are selected on December 9th. I got tickets for all the korea games, wonder where they gonna be playin...

A lot of Hw for me comin up and a lot of workin as a waiter (hopefully!?) I really wanna earn some money, although I probably wouldnt have to.

Then again I ll have to catch up with people over the next couple of days. I was gonna visit my friends in Hamburg, but probably wont have time for that. And then I was gonna meet some other friends, have to call them...

So as you can see, very stressful life right now.

Mom and sister comin back within the next 2 weeks as well.

Also having to prepare oral presentations and like 5 term papers. When am I gonna do all this? Especially because I wanna visit Michelle in February. I really really wanna see her again, although I m kind of scared that its gonna be really akward, but I guess we ll find out once it happens....

Ok, I think I should get some sleep now...

More to follow soon

Eternity

2005-10-23T10:24:00.000+02:00

How small are we in this powerful world?
How much of a difference do we still make with every action of our life!!!

keeping yourself busy

2005-10-22T18:49:00.000+02:00

3 days to go!

Studying for my test and still in the middle of the night I can keep myself busy with other things. Its so weird, what you can do, so you dont have to do things you should!

It made me stay up until like 9 am the last 4 days. crazy....
Really cant wait for this tests to be over, then I ll go back to workin for the catering... i think thats kind of fun.
i dont know, why i wanna go back to workin, how can you actually want to work?! crazy...

i guess thats my life right now...
CRAZY...

The funny thing is.. I really live in this moment! I do, which is kind of scary..
To not think so much about the past or the future. To not worry bout things that happened before....

haha ok, i should go back to studying...

take it easy..

cant focus

2005-10-20T08:43:00.000+02:00

Back in germany and everything is still the same old...

cant focus on studying...wondering why?
Haha, guess what... girls...what did you think.. they are killin me.
wish they werent out there....
honestly i ve been seriously considering if I might be gay after all.
Still think I m not, but I m serioulsy considering it. wait and see.

what else did I learn from my last visit to korea?

Definately have to study more korean, so I can talk to my relatives. I really want to.

I am too old inside.
I want to start my "real life" now. I feel ready. It feels right. Now all I have to do is get myself a job and a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Haha am I kiddin myself, thats like the two most important decisions of my whole life. But honestly, I m willing to face them now. I guess I have to finish my studies. And I have to find THE right girl. I m sick and tired of searchin for the girl I want to marry. I have a really nice gf, but she is not ready yet and I m sooooo ready to start life. One I was thinkin about a lot just disappeared today. Funny ej?
All the people around me still seem so young and still seem to want to wait for their life to start. Even though they are so much older than me. 25,26,28....wonder why that is so.
I guess its just being me and being sick of tryin things. I m here and I m here NOW...
Ok, I guess I m repeating things as always. Will never stop doing so.

This very special feeling right now made me think about one of my ex gf. I guess still being with her, would bring me pretty close to this "final" state of life, but I guess, that would not have been right thing.

Oh yeah, I still have to study a lot, only made it to chapter 3 so far. Still 15 chapters to go, that brings it down to 3 per day. hope I ll manage like 6 or 7 today though. Its about time. I m pretty confident though =)

Oh almost forgot. Something I read last night brought up memories. I read a friend of mine a poem I wrote like 5 or 6 years ago. Brought back some memories. I would put it on my blog, but its in german so noone would understand. Its really personal and it puts my inside into words, never ever realized. Haha I wrote it in front of my class once and no one ever understood...so funny...

I fooled another friend of mine the last couple of weeks, funny. I can fool everyone. Sometimes I m scared. I wish I couldnt. It would keep me from doing stupid things. Sorry for fooling you! Will try to behave from now on. I guess its a talent. Maybe I should have become an actor. Maybe I should still.
And I also think, my hints arent strong enough!?

Lately I ve been thinkin about visiting a therapist too. Would it be of any sense do? I ve been feeling so much better and I feel like I ve finally kind of figured out why I am like I am and what I want in life. I guess, it wouldnt help.

I guess, I just have to find this one person to "complete me".
So cheezy..I guess thats how I am...

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah" - Avril Lavigne (Nobodys home)

All those memories

2005-10-14T22:19:00.000+02:00

Back in korea, back to where it all started in 2002, back to all the memories, all those moments I shared. I remember how insecure I was, when I last was hear, this has all changed. My whole life has changed so much. I wonder why? Its really crazy...

anyways..back to the NOW....

I havent really seen anything of korea so far. Ever since I got here monday I ve been sleeping, helping my sister with her final thesis or I dont know. Well actually I met Mike at coex...funny. I thing he hasnt changed the much. same old, same old. crazy.....

I m still wondering, about what all the people are doing in germany right now. its 10 pm there and they are about to go out, which means its 5 am here. haha

Tomorrow I m gonna see Seoul...At least thats the plan. Dongdaemun, namdaemun, myongdong, coex....
I guess we ll end up not seeing that much, because we gonna meet more family and my sister wants to go to some kind of bakery fair....funny sister...

I hope I ll get somethin... I still need to bring some presents...aaaaaahhh

Ok i better get off this computer and get some more sleep, but I was awaken by a mosquito who bite me two times, once on the forehead,doh...haha

ok, probably goin back to germany monday and then have to study hardcore for one week...man only one week...thats gonna be tight...

take care

uncertainty

2005-10-04T12:41:00.000+02:00

Do you know that feeling, when you are awaiting a response on something important and you cant wait for the final notification. You keep checking your emails and jump up everytime the phone rings or someones at the door. You even dream about getting the answer. You are such a nervous wreck...

Cant wait till thats finally over... Even if its a bad answer.. I dont mind anymore....Its been killin me for the past 48 hours...

Life will be alright soon...

oh btw.. met a korean tandem partner yesterday. She seems nice and it was pretty fun. I hope it will give me some korean back, combined with my trip to korea! Awesome =)

One word

2005-10-01T17:05:00.000+02:00

How one word can change so much!

I just thought about this very subject for a while. Its crazy, how one word can change a perception, a mood, a life or even the whole world.

What power words do have is kind of scary.

haha, by this post you see how boring my life is

Leave an impression!

2005-10-01T14:11:00.000+02:00

Oh btw, if you misunderstood.
I m still together with my gf and I dont regret at all dating my ex gfs. I really enjoyed the time with them. I seriously did.

Anyways,
today is another day. I drank a little last night. Which is a once in half a year occasion for me and I dont even know why I did it.
Funny....

JUMPING TO :

How often do you feel guilty on a single day. How often do you have a bad concious, because you did or you didnt do something you should or shouldnt have done. You feel selfish, egoistic and a bad character. You hate yourself and you want to change your life, your actions, but you just cant do it. Responisbility is good, because that gives you the ability to change things in life, but then if you dont use it, are you wasting your chance to change life? Maybe one day I ll look back and say this life was worth living, right now, I m not there at all, not at all....
I just hope I will one day.....

sick and tired

2005-09-30T22:35:00.000+02:00

Sick and tired of this little thing called love!

Argh ... cant stand it, cant take it no more....

Its always makin things so hard for me, although they could be oh so easy. I hate love, even not knowing if I even know what love is. There are so many descriptions for the word. The easiest one being : You ll know it, when its there"
Have I never felt it then, because I ve never been sure. I mean, of course I think I ve felt it. And I think love is what it was, but sure, how can you be sure?

And then what is love givin you. Its somethin that ends. Or sometimes, something that unfortunately has to end.

and then the good part only lasts so long. Is it even worth the trouble, worth the pain, the tears, the uncertaintys, the suffering, the loss?
I m not so sure anymore.

Yesterday I felt good, I was happy, everything was fine. And today...girls are killin my heart once again. I feel sad, tired, left outside alone and I dont even know why. I hate this. I m good you know, but then I m not....

anyways... I should stop whining and complaining. Life is good, life is great, life is unbelievable...

still not letting go....

2005-09-18T01:45:00.000+02:00

So whats new in good ol germany?

Actually nothing new. My new job is going alright.

Still on semester break...

talked to my ex gf on the phone today. Still missing her.

what can I do? 6000 miles are too far. Maybe one day, down the road we gonna meet again..!? I hope so.

Dont get me wrong. I really like my new gf and we havin a fun time. Still I feel like I m just not ready to let go. And I feel like somethin is missin. I wish I knew what it is.

Baseball... Damn...lost a really important game. And I screwed up, but we would still have won. Just one out away and 2 runs up. And then pop up... it was game over...our win and then... kai dropped that freakin ball...argh... has taken us to a ...we have to win 2 out of 2 situation next saturday... It all comes down to this.

Sis... yes sis you.. where are you.. what are you doin... havent talked to you in ages. it seems like you re out of my world...it really seems like you are. hope we ll be able to talk some soon.

travel plans... I wanna go to korea , ibiza( no not partying...visiting a close friend), washington and boston (actually williams) I wanna meet all of my friends...hopefully I ll be able to soon.

Semester break.. should set up my schedulde... its about time. Soon it will all be too stressful.. and I have to start studying for my tests. I should really get that going...

friends.. losin touch to a lot of them. maybe i should blame it on my new job. I dunno. Never seem to see them anymore... =( Kind of sad, but I guess there will be better times again...

Sleep.. I m sleepin so much lately.. whats wrong with me.. i dont get it...grrr..

well now you should all be up to date... g2g...

Late at night

2005-09-06T04:38:00.000+02:00

What am I gonna do.. what am I gonna do...

Time will tell..

Today a friend wrote me a quote from the movie " sin city"....

"Hell is, wakin up in the morning and not knowing what life is good for"

Anyways.. why am I up that late at night.. hm personal buisness ;-P
Too much thinkin...

can i ever stop... Life could be just so darn good...

"life is good, life is great life is unbelievable" ;-)

Have a good night, morning, day.... i know the world is crazy...and so am I ;-P

work, ballgames, studies

2005-09-05T01:05:00.000+02:00

Work...

Hard job... 12 hour shifts with short breaks in between..... fun anyways... thought it was hard in the beginnning, but seems like its not that hard...

ballgames.. we keep getting our a** kicked...
but hey its still fun.. but maybe i ll finally call it a day after this year, who knows...

studies.. still on break for another 7 weeks
finally have to get back to studying for my tests.... its comin fast

new gf... confusing..
sometimes happy, sometimes not...i might not be ready yet!?

family affairs
same old, same old
fighting... hidden emails with scary messages...

friends
out there... out there... losing them...as ive always been...sometimes i feel like if i was gone noone would notice except for maybe kai

ok thats it for now.... i guess i m not writing that much anymore... i dont know why... i think i ve been trying to block my feelings

ok g2g...

Emotional Mai Tai.....

2005-09-05T00:56:00.000+02:00

All the hard stuff and then the weak stuff mixed together.. Then also the drink I made on new years....so many memories, so many emotions.
Talking to my ex gf right now. Sounds and feels so weird. She doesnt really feel like my ex, more like its a break on time... I dont know how to explain.. Really strange...
We talked about my new gf today. Yes I was gonna tell her, but somehow I knew she was gonna read my blog and find out. And I kind of wanted to tell her first, but never knew how to do it.

I know you will read this So this here is for you Michelle!

Parts of me will always love you. And I will never ever forget you and I hope we will stay in contact throughout our lives and see each other once in a while and then will be able to think about our beautiful memories. Who knows whats happenin in the future. Maybe one day we ll end up on the same continent!!!

part 3

2005-08-21T04:58:00.000+02:00

Never stop....

What is coincidence. What is determination, what is pure illusion or what is fate?

I keep askin myself what is my fate. I keep waiting for my task to come. I always wonder what it is and I feel like, maybe I m lying to myself and wanting to built an illusion so much, that I dont see my life anymore.

(listenting to james blunt - you re beautiful)
weird comment ej ;-P

Getting annoyed...yeah I can get annoyed, but I never show, yeah I can get mad, but if its not my fault I wont show. Actually if I dont want people to know, I never show my mood or anything at all.
Still waiting for that one person that can read my mind and look me in the eye and tell me whats wrong or not. I guess thats too much to ask for. I guess I cant even with anyone out there. Even if I tried. But I analyze people so much it sometimes freaks me out...LOL

Love of my life...hm...funny ej...
my best friend has switched girlfriends so much, no one was ever able to keep up with the names and now all of a sudden, he seems settled. I ve been hangin out with them for a bit. They seem so happy, everything just seems right..its so funny.. it gives me hope and joy.

It seems like I ve lost a really important person in my life and I dont even know, where she went. From one day to the next everything was just wrong...soooo wrong....and now its just not workin out anymore. wish she was still there with me somehow.

Oh man oh man,... this blog is so confusing, cause I m really confused....this is all for you jen...this is all for you ;-)

THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!!!!!
I dont like games......why do freakin girls always play games...

and why am i so emotional, that I do before I think. Why cant I be rational for once?
hm, you never know...maybe one day I will....

ok this is it for now, I guess
I might take a walk and watch the sunrise...this time without my sunrise buddy ;-P

Later everyone.....wondering who is ever reading this?

part 2

2005-08-21T04:47:00.000+02:00

Reading someones mind.

I ve always considered myself being good at reading people, what they re thinking or how they feeling, but now I ve met this person who totally puzzles me, who I cant look into at all. I wonder why and I wonder if I ll ever be able to. I hope so.

...

Comin back to people in my life and how everyone has a special meaning for me, not just necessarily my gf. Its funny how I have a special name for some of them and how I want them to know me with a different name. And then I also use different language for all those groups. And they all see a totally different person in me. Sometimes I wonder if I m an actor. Sometimes I wonder if I m such a good actor that I cant even divide reality and illusion myself and I feel like I m an actor all the time, makin me think, things are different then they actually are, but I guess in the end they are not.

I ve also learned to cherish nature. God, I cant even express how much that means to me. Sometimes I can just see a sunset and feel like the happiest person in the whole wide world. Man life is good after all, is it not? Yeah it is, damn good =)

I ve good everything I need. and thats all I can ask for.

Its been a while

2005-08-21T04:39:00.000+02:00

Yeah, its almost been a month and how much life can change in the blink of a moment. So now I got a job, which is better payed then my old one. I have a new gf...some might say again... I know it seems like I have a new one all the time. But its not like that, its not as easy.
Everyone I ve had(only 3) have had a really special meaning to me and have changed my life in one way or another. They are part of me and they will always be, because of them I am the person I am today. They might not know, but I still think of all of them all the time.
Sometimes I wonder, how can someone not, because I m thinkin of so many things that have happend in my life all the time. Bad or good.
The last couple of days, I ve been goin out with a lot of friends and different people, have caught up with a lot of people too. ITs funny to see how many people there are out there that I talk to once in a while, who mean a lot to me, but I still cant manage to stay in contact with and then everytime I catch up with them, I have like a flashback of the good old times and wish they were a bigger part of my life again.

Then there are people I talk to so much, almost every day and then when I dont talk to them, I dont miss it that much. Some of them are really good friends, at least thats what I think sometimes and then in the end I think there is only one really loyal guy out there and I m afraid we movin in different directions, which is really bothering me. What is wrong with me? I ll be there for you bro, anytime.

Comin back to what I did the last couple of days.. one day I figured I ve been spendin all this time with all those people and then again I dont know anyhting about them, so I figured I should ask some deeper questions. What they want to achieve before they die. Where they see themselves in 10 years. The very special moment of their lives. It kind of threw me off, when some of them couldnt answer these questions. Are they seriously not thinkin about stuff like this? About their future, their past, or their most special moments.
Then I also asked them if they regret something they ve done. And that probably stunned me even more. Because most of them didnt regret anything. I felt bad, because I regret so many things I ve done in the past and I just wish I could change it and then I cant.

...to be continued...

Screwing up---life is good..or is it not?

2005-07-27T14:30:00.000+02:00

The last 3 weeks have been a pain in the a**.
Everything just doesnt work out. Until today it didnt bother me at all.
I was happy all the time. I was makin the best out of it and probably was still the happiest I ve been in a long long time and then today all of a sudden everything just crashes down on me, because I screwed up once again.

I had an appointment with a girl and I slept in. I used to be so responsible and then this is the 2nd time in like 2 months I ve slept in. Cant let that happen. People relying on me and then I m disappointing them. The bad part is probably not her being mad at me. Although I feel so sorry. So freakin sorry, I couldnt even think straight for like 2 hours. But the worse part is that I m soooo mad at myself and so dissapointed in myself.
And then last night I had a fight with my ex gf. I got soo mad and so dissapointed, becaue I thouhgt I knew her, but I guess I didnt. She was so naiv. To make sure, it was not just me. I told 2 of my friends about the whole thing, what we said and stuff and they got mad because she was being so naiv.
So I think it was really not my fault. And the thing is. You could not even talk to her, because she wouldnt listen and when I was willing to stop the whole discussion because it was not going anywhere she insisted on continuiing it. I dont know... just pissed me off..
I was gonna go visit her. Right now, I just dont know if I can anymore. Not just because of this one discussion. But she doesnt give me the feeling she really wants me there. Hard to explain, but we ve gone apart so fast, although the way we broke up, it was not bad at all. It was rather a break on time, not forever, but I guess it is forever after all

and then I failed both my tests. Will have to do them again in the end of october.

I injured myself at baseball a couple of times, nothing new, but this time its kind of serious and I should really see a doctor, but I just dont want to, because I m kind of afraid to have surgery or something, so I m just gonna play through the pain and hope its nothing bad, and then we have 10 really important games coming up and we need to win them and as a team captain and leader I have to freakin be there. And If I cant walk in 10 years, who cares, I need to live my life know. I dont even know if I will be alive in 10 years.
And then I screwed up one game on saturday already

what else happened?
oh yeah I got caught on the radar by the police twice. Had been caught once in like 6 years before then.

Why is just everything going wrong at once...

I think I m already annoying my friends with whinning. I need to stop.. I really need to, I just dont know who to turn to then to not go insane....

F**** .. I had life right now! I seriously do!
I ll be alright though! I ll be alright... I ll make up for all of it.. I ll win a couple of baseball games. Will pass my tests. Will make up to that girl and maybe find a new girlfriend to help me get over all this and to enjoy life again. Will drive more slowly to not be caught again, will set more alarms, like 5 or 6 ;-)
Will get a job today, hopefully..have an interview in like an hour
Maybe visit my sister in korea in sept
maybe get things settled with my ex gf.
Actually 2 of them....no i m not a player...I just feel like we never really said goodbye, it was more like a see you soon and I think now it would maybe better if it was a goodbye!

ok g2g and get ready for my interview.wish me luck

Happy

2005-07-20T23:02:00.000+02:00

Awesome day today!!!!

I dont know just is...

I remember talkin to someone about what you would rather chose, being blind or deaf? I chose blind by far. Just experiencing once again why... I m listenting to music and I m just happy. Right now I have this feeling that is shaking my whole body, feeling so good.

by the way, she chose blind, because she would miss nature too much, can understand, but I ve seen it, so I feel like i can still imagine it. Seems so much harder with music.

Anyways, what else happened to day... Oh I chilled at a friends place last night, actually until like 2 am, came home to watch some baseball...then got a call by my one and only michelle ;-)
was nice talkin to her after a while. Still miss her a lot, although it seems like we re both slowly gettin over it, but I think we had a good talk a couple of days ago, which kind of saved our friendship. Probably gonna visit her in august.
Then I went to bed at like 9am. Woke up, went to kids practice, had fun there...pitched a couple of k´s against some 6-15 year olds...nothing to be proud of, but I pitched slow and its hard enough to find the strikezone against them.

After that I came home and since been downloading music, wathcing my fav team the orioles, ok they lost, but hey...nothings perfect ;-)

And now I m just listening to music...
Feelin so good =)

Talked to another friend of mine on the phone, was pretty nice too =)

ok...back to my music..

talk to you soon!

Letting go....

2005-07-15T03:14:00.000+02:00

On wednesday one of my teammates father died. Yes my teammate is already 32 or 33, not quite sure, but it all went so fast. He was diagnosed with cancer maybe 3 weeks ago. I cant imagine how he feels, but I was really kind of shaken when I got an email from him...stating that it hurts so bad, because he never says thinks like that. It must have gotten really onto him. Hope he ll get over it soon and I ll have some more time, before I ll have to say goodbye to a really important person...happened way to often lately...

Good luck with everything Fabio!
We ll support you in every way...

The last morning

2005-07-15T03:02:00.000+02:00

Yesterday was the final morning of the semester. I took a walk at 5 am and this is one of the pictures I took. It was damn nice out. I ve been taking this sunrise walks pretty recently lately. I guess I will even more now that I dont even have class anymore.

Anyways, after that I took my final test and then I got the results for my tuesday test. I failed (49%)...f******
Well I guess I deserved it, because I didnt study at all. I just really lacked the motivation. It was so much worse than it normally is.

And then I went to practice in the afternoon. My foot is not that bad, so I guess I could play, but my knee hurts really bad, so I might have to see a doctor tomorrow, sucks. I hope there is nothing bad in there....Torn ACL or something, that would really suck, because that would put me under the knife....dont want to...

Ok, I guess I ll go for another morning walk today, with my bash bro kai...

Oh, a little side note...
sometimes...you are disappointed by people, who you thought , you were so much more important too than you actually are. Well I guess its all good! Just was hoping for a different reaction from one of my friends...

9 hours

2005-07-12T06:42:00.000+02:00

In 9 hours I will sit in a classroom with about 25 other people. I ll be staring at an indonesian test I ll have to pass. I started studying yesterday and right now I m at lection 13 out of 17, pretty good job, right? ;-)
Probably I ll fail anyways, but you know what, right now, I dont even care...
The problem is, I dont even know why.

I havent felt this lost in a while and yet I m not lost at all. Its not like I m sad or depressed or anything. I just feel lost, because when I wake up, there is nothing to do. There has always been something to do. Now, there is nothing...weird ej ;-)

I guess I ll use the time to travel around and maybe finally move out...
Knowing me... I will end up wasting the summer doing nothing... ;-)

anyways...back to studying...just another 9 hours ;-)

Finally I figured it all out!

2005-07-10T18:29:00.000+02:00

After a couple of weeks, not knowing what it is, I think today I finally figured out what has been bothering me and has caused my lack of motivation...

It is me not being needed anymore. Its a very uncommon feeling for me, because there were times, when I could tell up to 10 people that needed me around, right now the count is 0.
I dont know if I should be glad about it or should be sad.

The good thing is, this tells me my surroudings are all pretty happy and everything is going well and maybe I ve done a good job getting them to that point.
On the other hand. Maybe they never needed me or I ve done such a bad job that they dont rely on me anymore.

After all...I guess I should be happy and relieved, knowing that I cant do anything wrong right now and knowing that if I died today (not hoping I will) everyone around me would be alright =)
Thats really good. I m glad this is the case...

Its hard for me letting go of this responsibility though. Its a process, but maybe now is the time for me to change things up, to move on, because my job here seems done...

Friends will always be friends

2005-07-08T01:09:00.000+02:00

Meeeeeeeeppp....

Biggest lie ever...

oh do you remember the sentence...always pick the friends over the girl, because friends are for life, girls might just come and go...

I dont believe in that....
I m still in contact with most of the girls I ve dated or at least If we see each other we are friendly to each other and there is still the respect for each other.
Friendships...some I dont even wanna talk to anymore..and some just deeply disappointed me. And most of my friends i have to keep the friendship alive...is that even a friendship?
I guess not...f*** all that...

haha.. sorry ...just havin one of them days;-)

I m good though.. just thinkin about a couple of things..

Kids....

2005-07-08T01:02:00.000+02:00

"I dont need noone to tell me about heaven. I look at my daughter and I believe."

What about this...This is a quote from a good song (Live-Heaven).
This is not the point though. The point is people tellin me or others..The best feeling is to look at your kid and just be full of joy. I just cant imagine that right now... I wish I could...but the longer I live the longer I think I dont want a kid. I mean I actually really do. Sometimes I look at kids and just smile because they seem so happy, but then I see all the pain I ve gone through, all the worries and sorrows and I dont know if I want a kid going through this.
This world is sick nowadays (this doesnt have anything to do with the London explosions of today, because I think they are highly exaggerating - I mean of course its a bad thing, but how often has it happened before and noone really cared, how often does it happen in iraq and what do we hear about it)..

anyways...do you want your kid going through school,uni, work, all the teasing, mobbing, through all the injuries, divorces..dissapointed love...?

I was so sure I wanted a kid, now I dont know anymore, but well maybe I wont have a wife anyways so I shouldnt worry bout it yet ;-)

Quote :

2005-07-06T17:55:00.000+02:00

oh after a long time here is another quote....(maybe sis should read it) ;-)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. " Cruz - (Coach Carter)

Injuries....

2005-07-06T17:53:00.000+02:00

Finally one got to me, after playing 10 years without a serious injury yesterday in practice I twisted my ankle really badly and my ankle is twice the size it normally is. They say its only bruised, but I m afraid somethings wrong with the tendon or maybe even broken??!

Well maybe I m lucky and then in the end its not a bad injury after all...

What else is new...nothing really... I ve been doin stuff around the house with only one leg. Kind of funny, but were exhausting too.

By the way, thanks to Thorben and Flo who are helping me out. And of course my fam ....

Bad thing about the injury...
Tilman got home today and I really really wanted to pick him up, but then of course never happened... I ll try to call him up later..

Concerning the girls.. I dunno.. being confused..

anyways... should really start to study today... only 5 more days...

g2g...

girls

2005-07-05T01:30:00.000+02:00

girls...argh....

sometimes they can be so annoying, childish, selfish, selfinflicted, ok, I guess its not a girls thing....but today it was just too much...

anyways...had a good weekend. suprisingly won against fulda, at least one game. went to wurzburg and had a fun day there all by myself..really enjoyed it, was exactly what i needed.

kind of getting scared by the fact that my tests are comin up next week and I havent done anything yet. Got a new laptop...yeah =)

ok, should go now...take care...

Good days come when you least expect them!

2005-07-02T09:19:00.000+02:00

Hey ya...

Yesterday was fun. Partying it out with my two best friends for Kia Kais birthday! Ok, we didnt actually party and the other guy didnt arrive until 1 am, but you know.. there is things you have to be grateful for!

And then yesterday, skipped class again... damn it... I really need to get my focus back... but hey...that gave me some long needed rest =)
just to party it out at the volunteer farewell party.. was pretty fun I guess. Too bad most of us were there with there cars or otherwise they would have been drunk and it would have been even more fun...hehe..

Todays plan....
Baseball against Fulda... We always lose against them and we always do it in big fashion, I think our last 6 games were 1-15,2-20,1-16,0-20,0-20 and 3-15...so its always big losing.. They are the only team I never wanna play against, because we always get rocked...
Maybe today is gonna be a different day??! Who knows...

4 hours till gametime...

and then tonight, I ll probably go to the "Rhein in Flammen"...festival with fireworks... its awesome, I really wanna go... will find out if I can make it...
Julia is willing to go and so might Flo, so that would be fun I guess..

What am I writing here? Dunno, do I?

sometimes I wish I was more self-confident and egoistic and an "asshole"...You gotta be in this world to be succesful, I guess I m not ;)
I guess I m happy I m not in the end!?!

Sis comin home, meetin her boy tomorrow!? hopefully....

later
Rich

Its all comin down to this

2005-06-30T15:27:00.000+02:00

Have you heard or thought about this before?

It does happen to me all the time.

I think, this is it, this is where everything is gonna decide, everything is on me, right here, right now...

funny ej....

Anyways,
dont even know why I brought that up... just a random thought....

So what is new? Nothing really... Been hangin out with my peepz a lot lately.... awesome feelin... I guess I ve kind of needed that!

Wondering how long its gonna last.....
Already waiting for the change..cant be far ;-)

sis is in london..hope she is gonna get what she REALLY wants....
and hope the thing with her boy works out, kind of already have an aversion against him, but well its her thing and i guess i m a different typ of guy after all, so I see things differently...
You know what, sometimes I really wonder if I m gay or not... LOL
strange feeling...

Ok,
gotta go, get my bash bro his bday present..hope he is gonna like it....

Take care,
Rich

one more time

2005-06-29T13:28:00.000+02:00

Friday is gonna be the last day of work for me. I cant decide if I m happy for it to end or not. It was a good time. I had a lot of fun, chilled, got to meet a couple of fun people.

Then again a lot of people annoyed me and I got supertired that I passed out drivin and sittin in class so many times.

I guess its good its over. We ll see...

Today I m gonna go to the final, which is gonna be in Frankfurt. I m goin with my dad, yay.... I dont know. I m glad my dad is comin, because I feel like we havent done anything in ages and we used to do stuff together so often and it was fun too.

So I really think its a good thing...

What else has happened? I dont know.. Been thinkin a lot again. Been talkin to a couple of people about a couple of things. Wish I could change things, but I cant.

Good things!
Got some quality time with Flo,Julia,Jim and Kai... good thing... I guess they are after all still my friends...

Tilman is still alive and comin back next week...yeah baby =)

Anyways, thats it for now, because I gotta run... I ll be back to write more later...

Walk on by....

2005-06-23T00:51:00.000+02:00

No one out there worry bout me, ok ;-)

I m fine, seriously!

Things could be better, but couldnt they always be??!

Havin a good time!

Take care out there!

@airport

2005-06-20T13:29:00.000+02:00

Another sleepless night,
another moment filled with fright,
another boring day.
What more can I say!?

Nothing ever happens at all
To sleep is where I m gonna fall!
All those people everywhere around
I wonder if everyone is gonna be found?

Is even someone waiting for some of them?
or might one of them be a lonely mam?
Is there still joy within every single one
or is all there happiness long time gone.

Watching the movie Love actually
all the love seems to come naturally
But its just a movie they make?
so is all of it fake?

Sometimes it seems like its all fun,
sometimes they are protecting with a gun
sometimes its all fate
and sometimes its just hate.

All those differences during one day
Isnt that a job for which you could pray
What some of the others consider a crime
I m still havin a good time.

poem by RJ

its all about winning

2005-06-19T06:51:00.000+02:00

Its funny, how sometimes success colours peoples lenses. Losing all the time, you see the single players out there, that fight against each other and then when you win, they are a team for once.
It makes it kind of hard to be a team leader, because you want it to be a team all the time, but whatever you do and whatever you try, it just doesnt work out!

What does being a team mean? How can you influence it.....

I just wish I could, I wish I could....

Startin again!

2005-06-18T00:34:00.000+02:00

So, this is it once again!

Haha I finally found someone that likes my fav. movie, funny ej ;-)
Yeah someone besides me likes "A walk to remember". Unbelievable.

I ve been thinking a lot the last week. What is wrong with me, why do I have to be so different, why do I wanna be so special, why do I wanna be so perfect. I guess I know, but why does it have to be me. Why cant I be one of the people that dont care.

Yesterday I went out with someone. We talked for a while and the person made me think a lot, reflecting and thinking over stuff again.....

It feels really strange.... Gosh I m 24...when will I know...when will I know!?!?!

Seoul 2002..oh what a year...

"I will always remember....."(girl next door)

Thx everyone....

goodbye my love

2005-06-18T00:30:00.000+02:00

I know what you goin through! I feel just the same! I wish it would be any different, but its not. Its time to let go, to save yourself!

I thánk you for all the memories. All the joy, just everything, you ve definately changed my life. You made me get up, when I was down. You showed me life, you made it worth living.

I know this is probably the wrong spot to put it, but I dont know if I will be able to tell you any other way, it would probably be to hard for me. I ve been thinking a lot the last couple of hours and it doesnt make anything easier. Its only been 18 hours since we talked, but it seems like everything has changed, everything is just so different, although its not, but in the end it is....

Life is here, life is now and thats where we should be and where we ve got to be!

I still love you and I miss you.......

life, oh life

2005-06-17T06:59:00.000+02:00

Everything goin up is gonna come down!
All those years,
all those fears....
dude...Where have i been?
What have I seen?
What will there be?
What will I see?
Sometimes life just makes me numb
I feel like everything is so dumb?
I lose the faith in everything there is
and then there is nothing that I miss.
joy, fun, luck?
hate, fury, they all suck!
What am I here for?
Man, theres gotta be more
Where will I find my task
so I can finally drop my mask?
People dont even realize I act
yeah I do, 24/7...thats a fact
Yo I dont even know who I am
sorry to tell you, oh bam.
ups did that come out of my mouth
Guess so, cause everything is going south
But dont worry g, I ll be fine
and one day, maybe the joy will be mine
yo now i gotta go, its seven already
and life is out there, it is ready
Have a good day
thats the last thing i say!

"So after all is said and done
I know I'm not the only one
Life indeed can be fun, if you really want to" - (Des´ree - Life)

Burn out

2005-06-16T04:21:00.000+02:00

Have you ever felt like you are burned out and nothing even is worth doing? not even eating?

Anyways.... I started working as a volunteer for the FIFA Confederationscup (pre world cup tournament) at the Frankfurt International Airport. Its quite fun and I m definately havin a good time there. All those different characters, quite funnny...

And not just the volunteers, but also the other people at the airport, its quite interesting, can be nice, fun and sad as well... but right now, I m really having a good time, although the people there are really disorganized.

What else is new? Oh our baseball season is not going as well as expected. We sit in 9th place(10 team league) with a 4 -12 record.. sucks right... Yeah it really does.... I hope we will get out of the basement next weekend, because we play the last placed team and if we win both, we will probably be in 6th place.

School? hm... yeah i know... i should study more...really should, but you know... things always go a little different

fam?
i dont really know.. moms back home
sis got a bf ...whhhhoooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooo
but besides that... I dont even get to see them anymore... life is just keeping me busy..hihi

Gf!
MIIIIIIIIIIISSSS YOU Michelle!
She went back to the us 16 days ago.. oh so long....

friends?
a little tussle there, a little fight there, but most of all i dont even see them anymore... its about time that changes ;-)

Thats it for today, I should get some rest, have some work to do tomorrow...

Keep it up everyone... Take care and I really mean take care!!!

Getting numb

2005-05-13T02:30:00.000+02:00

Everything is just getting numb.

There is so much going on and then there is nothing at all really. I cant even find time to sleep or eat sometimes. What I m I doing wrong, why does everyone have so much time and I just dont?!

Anyways... Whats new?
Went on a trip to hungary to meet my gf! Man I love that girl, I cant even tell. Shes gonna come and visit me tomorrow over the weekend, arent we crazy? Seeing each other every weekend. I guess thats where all my time goes, although I m still doing work there, so its not like I could really chill there or here, while she is here.
Should give my cell a time out ;-P

Besides that...classes go alright

Family...same ol, same ol ;-P

Why is everyone in this whole freakin world so sensitive. I mean damn, I thought I was like the worst ever, but around some people I feel so selfconfident and settled. Insane ;-P

Baseball... where did my 75 mph fastball go!?!? now its maybe like 60 mph... where did all my power go!?!? I dont get it!?

ok, thats it for now..nothing really new....

take care all of you!!!

Life is a highway

2005-05-02T01:37:00.000+02:00

Its been 8 days since I blogged, between which 8 days of work, fun, frustration and joy lie. 4 lost baseball games 1-16,0-20,2-12,1-6.

My parents are in canada!

I went to hungary and got back and will go again tomorrow!

A lot of baseball work has been done. Umpiring, scoring, coaching, just organizing... everything!

Besides that, nothing much, no partying at all, because I dont have the time. Its 135 am and I m still working on baseball things...

So I ll get back to that, so I can finally get some sleep.

Oh I ll have an interview for a volunteer position at the soccer confederationscup in june, wonder how that will be!?!?

Everyone out there, take care!!!

Keep it up,
Rich

Responsibility!

2005-04-23T04:13:00.000+02:00

People I in some way feel responsible for..

Michelle,Mom,dad,sister,kai,flo,pasquale,eva,nina,my thai teacher,andre,max,donna,juliaP,the kids team, the smaller kids team, the whole baseball club, Tilman, Alex,Celine,mike,eriko,janita,york,hendrik, Sonny, Betty, JuliaK, all the handicapped and social outcasts and some other people I cant recall right now!
Some of them more, some of them less....

Why am I even listing them? Dont really know, just felt like doin it.
Should finally go to bed 4:15 am, but not sleepy at all! I dont even know how I m gonna get up?!?

Freeze!

2005-04-23T03:56:00.000+02:00

If you know me really well, then you know I m the guy wearing T-shirts on the coldest day of the year and Jackets on the hottest day.

I seem to be able to accustomate (is that the word) to temperatures, because I feel like I can control my mind and make it think its not cold or warm, but there are moments when I am really freeezing although its warm outside. Right now its one of those moments. Just who will make it go away! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!
I know how I could make it go away, but I m not willing to go the easy way!
Lets hope I will one day find the person that can read my mind! I m afraid I m not there, but maybe I will soon!? Hopefully!

I cant sleep no more, have to get up in 3 hours and have a tough game ahead of me tomorrow!
Havent slept that well the last couple of days either. Strange...

Do you know the feeling when you just dont wanna sleep, because you are scared to miss the one thing, that might make a difference in your life.

READ MY MIND! ;-P
I never say what I mean. Read between the lines! I love metaphors.

This is the new "simple plan - Welcome to my life" song

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding"

Inspiration!!!

2005-04-21T21:53:00.000+02:00

Today, I found my idol in words!

I read this text and thought oh my god, that is what I m thinkin all the time. That is what I wanna do with my life!!!!!

So here are some quotes....

"I went to the woods, because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and to see if I could not learn what I had to teach, and not, when I came to die, to discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live whats not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and such out all the marrow of life, to live sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swathe and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it, whether it is of the Devil or of God, and have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the chief end of man here to glorify God and enjoy him for ever"

"We were occupied with pursuits, which were at the best needless and at the worst humiliating. Because we spent more time at buisness than anything else."

"Why should they begin digging their graves as soon as they are born? They have got to live a man´s life, pushing all the things before them and get on as well as they can."

"It is not a man´s duty, as a matter of course, to devote himself to the eradication of any, even the most enormous wrong; he may still properly have other concerns to engage him; but it is at least his duty, to wash has hands of it."

"The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my soul to be bad!"

Have you figured out, who the person is???

Hint...american...
No clue yet????

graduated from harvard...
no idea?

spent a day in prison....
no?

Inspired Mahatma Ghandi.. Ghandi actually took his book around with him on his travels...
still no idea?

another hint, he started his literature career as a poet, but was not succesful at all...
still no clue??

Close frind of R.W. Emerson and a Transcendentalist himself...
ok I ll tell you...

Henry Thoreau!

Two more quotes...

"The majority of I"
"Always promising to pay, promising to pay tomorrow and dying today"

Same old, same old!

2005-04-20T17:22:00.000+02:00

So, after a week I thought it was about time to blog. But nothin new really.

Had a good start to the season 14-8..

I had 2 2B´s and 3 RBI´s, but also 2 Errors und 2 K´s, but well, its the start of the season.
We unfortunately lost the second game 1-16.

Besides that, Julia, my friend got back home from cali.

I m gonna meet up with 2 friends from university this week and besides that.. hm... nothin much....

oh, i didnt get into one of my classes, but its not that important, so I m moving around my schedulde and hope I can get into all my other classes.

a lot of friends are in trouble lately. I m tryin to help them, but I dont know if I am able to. Just hope I am, because I want everyone out there to be happy =)

thats it for today....

Countdown....

2005-04-14T22:39:00.000+02:00

So I finally really started writing my termpaper. On page 6, last night before I have to hand it in tomorrow. So I hope thinks will work out.

Other news.. I was elected to be in the "frontoffice" of my baseball club. Even more work there...

ok I need to get back to my termpaper. Its 2240pm...so its gettin late...

more news tomorrow

had the good things,,,, now have a bad day blog for once....

2005-04-13T01:24:00.000+02:00

Things that I suffer under....

1.Life sucks!
2.Body hurting really bad without even moving
3.Pain inside even hurting worse!
4.Feeling worthless!
5.Wasting precious given time!
6.Not being able to change it!
7.Not using my given talents!
8.Feeling like breaking down and crying 24/7
9.Crying in public!
10.Having a sad lonely birthday!
11.No presents...haha ;-)
12.waking up everyday and realizing its just another bad day
13.going to bed and being afraid to wake up the next morning, so not wanting to sleep
14.Being afraid of having surgery and having to live life in a wheelchair
15.Losing best friends
16.Losing trust in a very important person
17.Being uncertain about a relationship, that is probably not going anywhere
18.Wishing someone would hear me calling out their name
19.Working harder than anyone else and not getting there (baseball) - feeling like just starting to play
20.Trying to consol people and feeling like they feel even worse
21.Missing people and not being able to talk to them
22.Having to let go of things
23.Knowing what will happen later in life
24.Hating myself
25.Hating myself even more than that
26.Deeds I have done in the past and just cant forget
27.Having sleeping problems
28.Being insecure
29.Not being confident with my life
30.Not being confident with what I have achieved
31.Regretting things the very second I m doing them
32.Not being able to tell anyone how I m really feeling
33.Having a bad concious to tell anyone, because they could worry bout me
34.Having hurt people
35.Having used people
36.Being selective
37.Making fun of people
38.Being a sensitive guy
39.Having cheated on my girlfriend..worst thing ever...
40.Falling in love
41.Telling secrets, which should be kept inside of me
42.Screwing up in every aspect of life
43.My stupid bodymalfunction that will make me gain weight
44.Not being well educated
45.My arrogance and selfishness
46.Having thought about comitting suicide
47.Being a bad friend
48.Being a messy person somtimes
49.Being a whiner and complaining right here
50.Hating myself even more than I could ever express

so have I done this.. I will be mad at myself for writing this in less than 24 hours....

And probably it sound worse than it is, because I m pretty settled lately...
So anyone who is reading this. Dont worry! I m good =)
I m enjoying my life! Seriously, its just one of them days ;-)

24

2005-04-12T00:58:00.000+02:00

Used to be my lucky number
Used to be my jersey number
Used to be the age I wanted to be

Now 24 is my age!

Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!

Thats it for now..more later in the day ;-P

Start of class!

2005-04-11T11:22:00.000+02:00

Today is April 11th and my classes will start in less than 5 hours! On to the next semester! Hopefully only 3 more to go!
Its a sunny day, so good time to start it off!

I can totally see how I m growing up, all my friends are spread out all over the world, even the ones that used to be living in my neighbourhood. California,Spain,Hungary,Nicaragua...
Its sad to see them go! But most of them will come back eventually I guess, but you never know.

"You think a man can change his destiny?" -Katzumoto
"I believe a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed." Algren (Last Samurai)

More to life....

2005-04-11T11:11:00.000+02:00

This is a song that is desribing pretty much how I feel a lot of the time....

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

CHORUS:
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

CHORUS

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...

CHORUS - repeat twice

More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life

ok..another thing....
I think it s funny, how I can be totally acting and noone sees that I m cryin inside, although I m smiling and then how noone sees that I m feelin awesome although I have the saddest look on my face. Dont get me wrong, sometimes I just act the way I am, but I have to be strong a lot of the time for other people, so I cant let them see how I feel, because they would worry and I dont want anyone in this world to worry bout me! I m good, you know! I m good! And I will always be! I m here for a reason, I m definately here for a reason!

Good things for today

2005-04-10T21:19:00.000+02:00

1.another day without getting in a fight =)
2.had a fun 6 hour practice with the team
3.shoulder didnt hurt that much (still have to see a doctor though)
4.after starting off slow, got in the groove
5.home town hockey team forced decicive semifinal game
6.watched last samurai...awesome movie, i think especially for asian people to watch
7.mom got home save and had a fun weekend...really happy for her =)

Poverty and Terrorism! Politcal powers insanity....

2005-04-10T00:37:00.000+02:00

So I just started to work on my termpaper like 80 minutes ago.
And I already feel like a bad person! I saw pictures of a phillipine ghetto and although I know that it is like that in some parts of the world I always try to not think about it. I just try to hide it from my view and then once in a while it comes back to me and I feel like I should do somethin about it. Thats why I might move to a developing country to work there after I m done with university. The people dont have anything there.

Still, I think they have so much more than we do in a modern country. Not everyone of them, but some. They have the thing a lot of us luck. They have the eternal love. They care for each other as a family, they are close together. A lot of them probably still enjoy their life more than some of us do!

This is one of the reasons why I would have wanted to live like 400 years ago, where everything was still developing, no technology. It was the essentials of life that counted! You had to work to live and not study, to achieve good grades for a job with which you will earn money to buy yourself stuff to survive. There was no chain. You got what you worked for. I really wish I could live in a world like that, where I have a goal, which I can work on!

And what makes me mad nowadays is the terrorism and its consequences. The political leaders say they care for the poor, damn they dont give a s*** , they use the poverty as a instrument to support their military actions and to strengthen their political power.

There is another thing that makes me really sad! None of my friends seems to be talking to me about stuff like that although I really would want to. My life is such a waste of energy. Instead of changing something. I go clubbing and spent the day with small talk. I waste money on stuff like cruising around in my car, where I could make a difference for people with the money i spent for my gas or for the entrance fee in a club. My friends just dont seem so interested in topics like that. Sometimes I really wonder if one day I will be able to and my friends will be like me and I ll find someone to talk about things like that. My worries, my fears, my ambitions, my dreams.
I wish people would talk to me about things like politics and then again I feel like I dont know anything about politics. Sometimes I do and sometimes I dont. I think I ve given up in politics to a certain level.
Do my friends not care. Am I more mature than them or does it just not come up!?

I know I should stop whinning and complaining and do something about it. I m just afraid I m not strong enough! Maybe I should join an organization just like my sister did and do something about it.
Probably she doesnt even know, but I really admire her for the work she puts in and all the effort she makes and she makes changes. She has changed so many lives. I really admire her for that and I hope she knows!

I hope one day, I will be able to look back at my life and be able to say. This was worth it. I made a difference in this world! I improved it and even if its for a small group only, maybe just one person! I want to be able to say, my life has not been a waste. I did something and was not selfish!

Maybe for me this is true :

"You cant help someone if you are not content with yourself"

ok, this was the most confusing blog ever, sorry about that.. just had to write down my brainstorming after reading all those articles about misery and poverty and the evil in this world!

Why is anyone ever evil including myself. Why?!

Being happy! Counceling!

2005-04-09T21:55:00.000+02:00

So today I got a phone call from a good friend! She told me my blog sounds so depressing and she told me I should be more positive. So today I will try to be positive!

Things that worked out today!

Beautiful weather!
Got birthday wishes from 2 people, although my birthday is still a couple of days away!
Had the day off, because practice got pulled back one day!
Still felt like I could chill and not do my termpaper!
Gonna start my termpaper now! Finally ! Yay!
Got a message from my gf, who is on vacation right now!
Played a fun board game with my sister and dad!
Didnt get into a fight with anyone!
Counceled some people!
Talked to a couple of friends online, was fun!

I guess that was it!?
But that seems like a lot of good things, right ;-)

Ok, have a fun weekend everyone!

just one more quote

2005-04-07T17:35:00.000+02:00

"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when the stick together." Vista M. Kelly

Letting go

2005-04-07T17:13:00.000+02:00

What else is going on in the world today!? Trying to keep myself busy! Might go to a baseball meeting in 2 hours and then probably watch our hockey team´s final game of the season if they lose and they gonna lose the way they ve been playing lately....

Sister´s gone, dad´s at the game, mom is travellin around with her friend from NY...
Crazy cleanup session ended this morning at 1030 am..... I hate pretenders and this cleanup session is all about pretending that is why I totally didnt join it... You are the way you are ..fullstop....

but I guess my fam is different in that way and that is why this has been long gone ....... :

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? That idea of home is gone. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place" - (Garden State)

Sad CD!

2005-04-07T16:37:00.000+02:00

Should keep going with my termpaper, but dont feel the heat yet, so feel like I have plenty of time, although I dont.
Anyways....
how fitting for my mood, I found my sad times CD yesterday, its covering the following songs :

Tamia - Who do you tell
Switchfoot - You
Maxwell - Woman´s Work
Divine - Sweet Essence
Amanda Perez - Angel
Isyss - Single for the rest of my life
Martina Sorbara - Bonnie & Clyde
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
TLC - Dear Lie
Sovory - Deeper than blood
J-Luv - Weil Du mich liebst
Glashaus - Wenn das liebe ist
Big Runga - Sway
Ruff Endz - Will you be mine
Avant - Don´t say no
Leann rimes - Life goes on

Haha maybe its not that sad anymore. But I felt really depressed the last time I heard it like 2 years ago... Still kind of sad...
And I like most of the lyrics as well!

another song

Jack Johnson´s better together :

There is no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing
It's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together (mmm)

I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together

Changes....

2005-04-07T01:41:00.000+02:00

I m at this point in my life, where everything is changing, I thought it would take a little longer, but it all came to fast!

I quit my job today, after 5 years, because I dont have the time to work during the day anymore, so I ll have to find a night time job!

Then I might have to retire from active baseball, because my body wont let me go and play hard day in, day out anymore. Gosh I m not even 24 yet and I have so much pain... totally have to see the doctor soon. Its really hard for me to stop playin, because baseball was the one thing I was kind of good at and It was #1 on my priority list all the time. Probably more than 50% of my life too, so its hard letting go....

I ll have to let go of a couple of friends, because they have been lying to me and I dont trust them anymore. Hard to do that too, because they ve been picking me up, when I was down, but thats life.

So much change goin on, its hard to handle. Everyday life is just not the same anymore.
The last couple of days I ve been confronted with my past a lot as well. Met up with my exgf. Talked to a girl I used to love and she loved me too, strange because we never hooked up. I watched a movie involving my other exgf. Also talked to another girl I hooked up with. One thing that I realized is that I will never be able to totally let go of them. Everysingle one of them still owns a big place in my heart. Thats kind of hard, because it hurts and I d much rather let go of all those memories, but yeah thats life ;-)

Oh and dont get me wrong, I m not a player, these are the girls (besides my current gf) that have been part of my life, not really many more than that. And I still cant let go. I m afraid once I open up my heart to a person, the person will always be there. So that makes me being afraid of opening up my heart too much and I m really scared of that right now... dont want to be in more thoughts....

ok enough insight on my mental state.

What else happened the last couple of days?! We had a basball tournament and finished 3rd out of 4, but that totally doesnt reflect the way we played, because we had a good tournament, won 2 games and lost 2, but played pretty well and we are lookin forward to the start of the season april 16th..
and next week my b-day is comin up, nothin special..but yeah, i ll be 24 then....

what else happened? nothin much I guess!
I m still on break and trying to start with my term paper, hope I ll finally be able to today or tomorrow!

"...see, you're a better person than I am and it made me a better person to be around you. I don't know, maybe it was all just a dream. Maybe I woke up one lonely night in December and imagined it all. But I swear, nothing has ever felt more real. And if you get on that plane, I'll disappear forever. And I know we could both go on with our lives and we'd be fine. But I have seen what we could be like forever, and I choose us!" - Jack (Family Man)

Perfect....

2005-04-07T01:26:00.000+02:00

"Hey Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according
To plan?
Do you think I’m wasting
My time doing things I
Wanna do?
But it hurts when you
Disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good
Enough for you
I can’t pretend that
I’m alright
And you can’t change me

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be
My hero?
All the days
You spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t
Care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good
Enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’ alright

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry
I can’t be Perfect

Nothing’s gonna change
The things that you said
Nothing’s gonna make this
Right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand"

This is just a quote from a song I really like....

Nothin old, nothin new....

2005-03-30T22:18:00.000+02:00

So nothin is happenin these days! I should really get my ... up and start my termpaper and work out, but I just dont feel like it. I m dizzy all day and then my body is physically responding well to some rest from workin out. And as the first baseball game is gonna be on the weekend, I might just as well give it some rest. Ok enough whining.

My sister!? Where is she? haha, seems to be busy or out of the house all the time. Well or she is sleepin. You know good old germany!?

Besides that, I ve watched a couple of movies the last couple of days.

Nothin else is new, just thought I should keep you updated..
I guess right now in my life everything is circeling around one thing only...

so for now its another quote...

"Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about. " - Matt (Girl next door)

comin and goin...

2005-03-28T22:23:00.000+02:00

Hey,

sorry its been a while, been on a road trip to south germany. Seen a lot, done a lot and had a lot of fun! Thanks Michelle =)
Unfortunately shes back in Budapest. Miss you so much already!

What else happened? My best friend left our baseball team to play in the 2nd german league. Good luck Flo! Hate to see you go!
Maybe Thorben is gonna go there too, who knows....would suck...

Sis came back today! yiiiiihhaaaaaaaaa! Although I guess I will not see a lot of her the next couple of days..haha

Then it was my dads birthday sunday, but didnt really do anything for that, cause I took 3 juniors to the state team tryouts, hope they gonna make it!? Who knows.. Good luck guys!

Tilman, a friend who is touring south america right now, wrote me an email! Sounds like he is having a lot of fun down there and a great experience. He is really inspiring me. Maybe I m gonna do something similar later on in my life! Really wanna do it now!

Julia, is still in cali doing a language class with all those koreans, haha. I guess she doesnt think I m that crazy after meeting all those people there ;-P Am I? Maybe still..

My other best friend Kai had a little trouble with his gf. Wonder where his road is takin him. Got a job denial as well..daaaah,, sorry dude, you ll find somethin...

Oh and it was easter... totally didnt do anything for that. I dont like holidays anyways...

The freakin korean national team (soccer) lost against saudia arabia in a WC 06 qualifier...argh... I really want them to be here in germany next year.. Actually they are thinkin about sending a combined national team north and south korea, would be a good thing. Who knows, maybe we will have a unified korea pretty soon after all! And then no more nuclear weapons, hopefully!

What else happened... I guess nothing really...tomorrow is gonna be our first outdoor practice and then saturday first exhibition game...

pasquale will have a mri on his elbow tomorrow. hope nothin is wrong there......

I guess you dont know who all those people are?!?! I guess I should put up some pictures soon!

For now its happy easter to all of you out there!!!!

"But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all." - Kat (10 things I hate about you)

2? Rather 3! ;-)

2005-03-21T00:01:00.000+01:00

Saying goodbye is the saddest thing. Yeah, happens way to often!
maybe its up from 2 to 4 this week...haha funny ej ;-)

Let the good times roll! Happiness ist just around the corner and I m determined to go there =)

"In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally " - Pink (Family Portrait)

Losin trust

2005-03-19T15:51:00.000+01:00

Ok, before I start out! Rollercoasters move way too fast! Point!

Losing trust in people really sucks, now I ve lost trust in 2 of the most important people in my life. Sucks. but whatever! Things that dont kill you, make you harder! I wonder why, but actually it doesnt bother me as much as I thought it would. I guess I ve grown pretty strong. Thank god, I m not such a whinner anymore...haha

Ok, what happened today? Got in a fight with my mom, went to work, gonna clean up and prepare a little something for the evening, cause my baby girl is gonna come. Yay ?!

Might not be able to blog in the next couple of days, because I ll be on a road trip. So I ll talk to all of you in a week!

sorry my blogs have been so boring... will be more fun once baseball season starts and summer and the bbq is set on fire ;-)

ok thats it for now!

"Awhile ago that kind of thing it never happens for me, and so i go around and just pretend love Is not for me i play the circus clown around my friends make them laugh and they wont see that U never let them see u sweat dont want them to think the pain runs deep, Lord know its killing me So i put on my make up put a smile on my face and if anyone ask me everything is ok im Laughing cuz no one knows the joke is on me cuz im dyin inside with my pride and a smile on my Face" - Tamia (Smile)

Can´t you see?

2005-03-18T18:37:00.000+01:00

Sometimes there is a moment in your life, where everthing freezes, your life is passing by and all of a sudden it seems like you understand everything that you have been confused about the last couple of seconds,minutes,hours,days,months or even years.

For me this seems to happen more often lately, which is a good thing!? I dont know why though? I feel like its because I m really growin up lately and tryin to find my place in life. And I m also on the verge of finding out who of my friends I can rely on and who not. This always happens to me in a 2year period. I wonder why though.

Anyways, back to the actual events!
1.Got a haircut!
2.Updating Baseball HP!
3.Cleaned up my car!
4.Bought groceries!
5.Talk a walk in the sunshine (so warm today ~22 degrees)
6.Cleaning up the house!

I guess that was it until now. Later gonna have a meeting with my baseball kids and then go to bed early because I ll have to work tomorrow morning.

and now a couple of ansers :
Best feeling in the world :
A hug from a person you really care about!

Worst feeling in the world :
Saying goodbye to a person you really care about!
(ok there are other things too, but I chose this one)

What I want to experience before I die :
Witness the birth of my child

ok, this is it for today, take care everyone out there!
Sorry for my blog being so lame today...dunno.. not in the mood...

"The most important thing in life is showing up i am blown away by your ability to show up. "-Coach Conner (Hardball)

Am I that old already?

2005-03-17T19:20:00.000+01:00

Today was my sports day and its not over yet ;-) Went to take about 200 golf swings at the driving range in the morning, then went on to throw a couple of baseballs outdoors for the first time this year and then later will go to the gym. Why do I keep doin this to my body. Well seasons just around the corner, so I better get in shape. April 2nd is gonna be our first game!

What else is goin on. Still so busy and I dont even know why. I keep passin out doin stuff as well, which is really annoying, cause it takes way longer like that.
Still gotta update our baseball Hp tonight and design a poster. sooo tired already and so much more stuff to do until saturday when my baby girl is gonna come! =)

Nothin else really happened today, but our hockey team will have its first playoff game in about 10 minutes! Let´s go Lions!

"It's a trip, you know. When you're a kid, you see the life you want. It just never crosses your mind that its not going to turn out that way." (Love & Basketball)

Is it finally the favourite time of the year?

2005-03-17T01:08:00.000+01:00

Its this time of the year again were everythin just seems so much better than usually. What makes us feel that way? Is it the new colors reappearing out of nowhere? Is it the warmth that is spreading around us? Or is it simply because we have more of the day, because the light is out there keepin us company. I guess its all that for me and then a couple of people that have made my day a lot better than it would have usually been.
Thanks Michelle, Alex and Donna! =)
Had a great day, although I was really busy, but I got a lot of work for uni done as well and it didnt seem that hard.

Ok, that actually my day, but then there is so much more!
Have you ever tried to hold onto something really hard, thinkin if you let it go its really gonna mess up your whole life and then hold onto something else and let it go as well, but then you know there is always (at least I hope) somethin you that you can hold onto to. For me its been a constant coming and going and I wonder if it will ever stop, because I really hope it will. Cant let my soul take all those hits over and over again!

"Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything. About life, hope and the long journey ahead. I'll always miss her." - Landon (A walk to remember)

I thank god for all those happy memories I ve shared in the past and all the memories I hope I will share in the future!

Thats it for now, will try to write more in the morning!

Good night everbody!

You can go as far as your legs carry you!

2005-03-14T06:26:00.000+01:00

So haha, finally left our house and learnt how to go to sleep at midnight. Wonder when the last time was that that happened ;-)
After going to a bar last night, the girls were complaining how I had promised them to go clubbing and never lived up to the hype, so I had to go clubbing! Again ;-) 3 times in just over a week, crazy. I guess before that I was clubbing 3 times in the last half year, haha.
Anyways, then yesterday I went to the hockey game and our home team finished in first place =) Now they gonna head into the play-offs as top seed, after winning the championship for the first time last year! Oh and then I got to be the coach again! I guess the guys liked the practice.

Talking about practice I should tell you bout my wrecked body. I am like a walking junkyard. Hyperextended tendons and ligaments in my knees and my shoulders. My doc says, they are like the knees of a 60 year old. Then I have a poping noise making groin. Weak ankels from twisting them so much and my right arm is totally messed up as well from throwing like 1000000 times so far, playing handball and baseball. Haha, I wonder if my head is alright, cause my back has started acting up as well. So what is there left. Only my head...haha, maybe not!? Who knows ;-) Oh yeah and I have circularity disorders as well. Ok, I m a big whinner. Just wanted to let you know. So how far will my legs carry me? I ll find out soon enough!

We're goin' in there. If you can
walk, let's walk. If you can't walk, it's time to roll. If you have crutches,
then crutch your ass over there! -Lance Barton (aka Chris Rock) (Down to earth)

So after practice I was finally tired enough to go to sleep at midnight, but then woke up at 6, although I had only slept 4 hours the night before! Strange thing that is ;-)

So what´s the plan for today (Monday) I ll finally try to get some stuff, that I need to do, done.

I don´t like Rollercoasters!

2005-03-12T19:10:00.000+01:00

Did I ever tell you I m afraid of height? I guess I did. It comes from falling of a fire department pole when I was like 8?!? Had to spend the night at the hospital, because they feared I had inner bleeding. Fortunately hadnt. So yeah I dont like rollercoasters for that reason, I would still go on them for special people. I guess I would always do stuff that I dont want to for special people! People tell me, I m crazy, I m insane and I need to stop, but that´s just me, so I cant stop and I don´t want to stop. Anyways, my life has been a rollercoaster ride the past couple of months as well and I hope I ll find the exit on top. I m on the high point right now, so maybe I ll find the exit real soon!? ;-)

"It is not what you say, it
is how you say it!"

Anyways another thing I was thinkin about today is, that you can get a message out of everything, if you just try hard enough. So I ve read "Ps. I love you", which is probably really cheesy and people would make fun of me, because I m a guy reading it, but still it made me think so much and made me realize a couple of things that I really want to follow from now on! Right now I m reading Michael Herr´s "Dispatches" , which is about the vietnam war and I m already curious what message I m gonna take out of that!?

Ok so today I m finally gonna do something tonight! I ll go out with a couple of girls. Nothing special though, just going to a bar. I hope its gonna be fun, maybe a couple of guys from my baseball team will come by later! So we ll see how that goes. And tomorrow I ll go to a hockey game and then be the coach for my own baseball team. I always feel strange, when I have to coach my own team, but well somehow it makes me proud that I m the one the coach turns to, when he can not be there and then the team really listens to me! Weird feeling, cause I dont feel so much like a leader. I guess it´s like a friend said two nights ago. "Lead by example!" ;-)
Ok, need to get ready now! Have a fun day!

"To the world you might be someone,
to someone you might be the
world"

Do or die!!!!!

2005-03-12T03:30:00.000+01:00

So actually I was gonna stop posting stuff for today and I dont even know why I keep putting stuff up here. I guess that comes with not having left the house in 2 days. I feel like such a bum. Anyways, so the last couple of weeks I ve been on this weird trip I cant get out of. Just now I was thinkin about if I am a grey person or black or white. And actually if I dont care its gonna be grey all the way, but then if its something I do really care about its do or die and I think I ve got too much of that, meaning I go way too for in a lot of respects and the really bad thing about that is knowing it, but not being able to stop it. That is like my life story right there! Knowing what I should do and what not and not following it after all and doing something totally stupid although its wrong! Too much passion! Haha, I really need to stop puttin my soul out on this freakish internet thing, where everyone that wants to could really see. Believe me, its really easy to find out stuff about someone if you really want to. Crazy! Scary too!
I just thought about something really difficult and painful too! I thought of letting go something I really dont want to, but I feel like I have to, to protect myself before it is tearin me apart! I know a lot of you will not understand, but I think some will! I just hope I will be strong enough to actually say goodbye!

Being perfect is not about that
scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your
relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about
being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down
because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could.
There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as
best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart?
If you can do that gentleman ,you're perfect! - Coach Gaines (Friday Night
Lights)

Ok, I need to get of here!

Reflecting on life

2005-03-12T02:27:00.000+01:00

This is a recent picture taken in Victoria!
This is a typical Richy! Just staring into the neverending sky and reflecting on life!

Where is my rhythm, where is my life?

2005-03-11T22:59:00.000+01:00

So, today was one of them days, where I felt I m wasting 90% of my life with doing nothing at all. I once again stayed up all night chatting, although I actually enjoyed the talk and thought it might help me in my later life. But then I woke up and ended up doing nothing. I know this is my break and stuff, but I gotta start something. I guess I ll be alright come sunday evening, cause then I have obligations. Ok enough whining for the day! So I do miss my gf a lot and I talked about a crazy plan with my best friend back home and he made me realize I might be screwing things up and then I thought about what I was talking about last night and I figured, I should just relax a little and take my time off. Its really hard for me, because I m so freakin passionate! Anyways I guess you found out a little more about me in this blog!

For now, its another quote :

"We are who we are, people don´t change" -Estella (Great
Expectations)

Leave an impression!

2005-03-11T01:07:00.000+01:00

If I give you a clean sheet?
What will you write?
Will your words be long and graceful
or short and sweet?
Will it be poetry or brute instinct?
If you have something to say,
best say it now,
for soon,
always too soon.
My sheet will be filled
and this chapter will end
as sure as the next will begin,
with a clean sheet
new authors
and a million
possibilities.
Leave an impression!

---- Bauer Advertisment

So this is why my blog carries the title "Leave an impression. Funny right? This is an advertisment for hockey skates, which I read at the age of 15, so about 8 years ago and has never left my life since.

Adjusting

2005-03-10T20:31:00.000+01:00

So after a week in Victoria, canada. I feel like my whole semester break is like a roundtrip. Been to Hungary and Canada already and then will go to Switzerland and Austria next week! I really enjoy seeing all those places, but I wonder when I m gonna do all the other stuff, like applying for a semester abroad and then writing my term paper! I guess I ll find away. Anyways, so today I woke up like 4pm, crazy right? Didnt do anything special afterwards.

So I ve been watching a lot of movies and also reading a little, so I ve found my passion for quotes! They seem to be so telling sometimes! Will try to add a quote to my blog everyday. Have to figure out how to do it though.

Ok, so I ll try to tell you something about me everyday as well!
Starting with who I am! So, I am 23, was born in Frankfurt, Germany. I have a korean mother and a german father, so I am half blooded and feeling like it!

Ok nothing really happened today!

"I'm not going to tell the story the way it happened. I'm going to tell it the
way I remember it." - Finn (Great Expectations)

(4 1/2 weeks until the start of baseball season)

Getting started!

2005-03-10T14:11:00.000+01:00

So this is getting started! Have to learn all the functions of my blog first. And I never thought I would do something like this, but I m trying to get it going and as I m on my semester break I ll try to keep this updated!

And I hope a couple of my friends will come up with their own blogs and maybe leave a comment once in a while!

Time to crash!

2005-03-10T07:58:00.000+01:00

Ok so I ve been trying to make a couple of changes to the appearance of the page. Some worked out, some didnt! So I m gonna crash for now and post some interesting stuff tomorrow!

For today its just a quote from my fav movie, which I found on another friends blog!

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evilbut rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- The Bible : 1 Corinthians 13:4 –

I ve never been so in love before, feeling totally crazy!

Ok, you take care everybody!

2005-03-10T05:45:00.000+01:00

Welcome to my world!